Nit Picks: Way Late

The Above Image is WAY better than actually caring about real life.

1. Usually, I try to get this up by Thursday night.  That is because both the college and NFL weekend schedules, for TV reasons, will start on Thursday night, and I want to have the opportunity to include those games in the picks, and in the preview stud, just so the whole week kind of gets grouped together.  This week, though, there is no college football game and I WILL BE GODDAMED IF I AM GOING TO BE BEHOLDEN TO NFL NETWORK.  They don’t run my life.  Really, I just didn’t have time to get it up in time, but still, it sounds way better to say that it is because I run my business and NO ONE ELSE.

2. I’m mixing in a baseball note here, because I don’t feel like churning out an entire baseball column in mid-December, and IT IS MY BLOG SO I WILL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE (sorry).  You may be wondering what I am, as a Red Sox fan, thinking about the trade-and-sign of Adrian Gonzalez for a reported (although unannounced) 7 years and $ 154 million, and then the signing Carl Crawford for 7 years and $ 142 million.  I am against it.  Sure, they are good players, but to throw around that much money was irresponsible.  How are we going to re-sign guys like Josh Bard, John Lester and Clay Buchholz when the times come now?  Those contracts will completely mess up our salary cap situation.

Wait, what’s that?  There is no salary cap in baseball?  That’s right!  THERE IS NO CAP IN BASEBALL!

Allow me, then, to revise my thoughts on these signings, now that I have this bit of information:  


WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! NOT MY FUCKING MONEY!  FUCK IT, GIVE ‘EM $200 MILLION!  And to the rest of baseball, I say this: don’t hate the player, hate the game.  No cap means that if the Red Sox want to throw the GDP of a small African nation at a first baseman, they can do that, and I’ll be damned if I am going to have misgivings about it.  Enjoy you’re revenue sharing checks, Kansas City, Pittsburgh and Oakland that will go directly into your owners' pockets (and by pockets I mean offshore bank accounts).  That should be a huge comfort while you’re watching bad baseball all summer.

God, the Red Sox are good now.  We have middle of the order quality guys at what, 7 positions?  Ortiz can take his typical 4 month spring training and it won’t even matter this year, since he should be hitting in like the 8 hole anyways.  Unbelievable.


And to those of you saying that the Red Sox are what we have always hated, I say this.  No we aren't.  We hated losing to that.  Now we are winning 125 games with it, which I, for one, am completely okay with.

3. Like videos that confirm every single stereotype that you have ever heard about a place?  Me too.  his one does just that for Alabama. 

(Deadspin dug this gem up on Saturday, and as a dude with a functioning Blogger.com account, it is my solemn obligation to pass it along)

(Our friend here lets you know in the beginning, but if you’nt lak cussin an vulgarity, click a HELL UP OFF THIS CHANNEL, BOYS.  Just so you know.)

YEW MUFUCKERS AIN’T SUPERIOR T’US YEW FUCKIN LOWER’DN US!  I’m just sayin sumin hap’nd whin yew fuckin Tigers come up inerr.  Iunow if one a yew bastards dunin gawt swane flew, wunna you fucknuts dun brawt wunnayur damn cra—Iunow what the FUCK happin.

Iunnow what the fuck happin, indeed.

And yes, this makes me like Alabama less by exactly ZERO.  In fact, that video makes me want to transfer RIGHT FUCKING NOW. 

Also, if you don’t want to watch that video, you may as well stop reading this now.  Mainly because if you don’t find that funny, than I will never seen eye to eye with you on anything, but also because you can expect a non-stop cavalcade of me throwing in random YEW MUFUCKERS KAYUN KISS A ROWL TAD FUCKIN ASS, and alike for the next few weeks.  It probably won’t help with my upcoming exams.  Oh well.

4. Do we really need a Heisman trophy, a Maxwell Award and a Walter Camp award?  I say no.  In fact, I say ‘of course not, and if you think differently, you are dead wrong because all three awards are the exact same thing.’  At least in Hockey, where there are two MVPs, at least one is voted on by the players.  All these are voted on by writers.  Is college football trying to solve debates about the English language (the difference between ‘most outstanding’-the Heisman, ‘player of the year’- WC, and ‘best’-Maxwell)?  I’m confused.  This is fucking stupid.

5.  This is the one week of the year that I would like to invite ESPN to talk about Brett Favre as much as they want.  Is the story any less abrasive and repetitive?  Of course not.  Did anything new happen?  Not as far as I know.  Am I finally warming up to Favre?  Fuck and no.  But like I said, they can talk about him as much as they want this week.  Why is that, you may ask?

Because I FUCKING LOVE watching him get lit up.  Hold on, I’m going to watch it right now.  BAM.  Blind side…didn’t see it coming.  You thought you stepped out of the rush, didn’t you, then POP.  Decleated.  That is beautiful. 

Sure, it probably makes me a bad person that I get so much pleasure out of his pain.  Sure, pretty much all of America probably felt pretty much the same way when Tony Romo was lying on the ground, looking like one of those silhouettes that gets outlined at a murder scene, but that was totally different, because (lip quivering, tears forming) that’s my fraternity brother.  That’s my quarterback.  Like I said, this was totally different.  I love it.  One more time.

(Steps back...CRACK.  He is off his feet.  God I am enjoying this.  Way too much.  One more time.  52 just SLAMs him to the ground.  And it was a pick.  Best.  Play.  Ever.)

6. The SEC Championship game, which was last Saturday, should bring me great joy.  After all it is a one game playoff to determine the winner of the best conference in college football.  But all it did was make me sad. 

Sure, the Auburn-South Carolina matchup was well below the level of excitement brought by the back to back Alabama-Florida ‘TimTebowMightCryIfWe’reLucky-athons.’  Yeah, it sucked that the game was pretty much over after USC couldn’t JUST KNOCK THE GD BALL DOWN on the hail mary before half, and yeah, it was a bummer that Drew Magary summed it up perfectly tweeting that “Watching Auburn win that game was like watching a kickoff return TD with a FLAG graphic up for the last 80 yards.”  But none of that was what made me sad.

The thing that made me sad was that now the SEC is gone.  CBS is going to show basketball games and crap like that on Saturday Afternoons, but WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!  Watch a movie?  Study?  Actually pay attention to real life?  That sounds FUCKING TERRIBLE.  The SEC is so much better than real life.  And now it is gone.  What the fuck, it feels like it just got here.

7. Since I didn’t get this up in time for the Thursday night game, I figured that I may as well talk about the action from Thursday night.  The problem is, the game was pretty boring.  The Titans came back and made it a game, sure, but really, I was just disappointed that Manning was able to avoid continuing his people-pleasing streak of being terrible at football.  Damn him.  Also, ‘Cop Speed’ is the second best nickname in sports, just behind ‘Shatty Ice’ for Kevin Shattenkirk, which I made up.

8. Same idea as the SEC Championship game bit, but FUCK SATURDAYS WITH NO MAJOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL.  THIS IS HORSE SHIT.  I DEMAND A REFUND.  The Army-Navy game is fine, but it is mostly about the pageantry of the midshipmen and cadets in their coats and all of that stuff, with the snow and all.  Great theater, but let’s be honest, the football sucks.  And don’t try to tell me anything along the lines of ‘at least we have the Heisman presentation.’  The Heisman presentation is the tony awards with football players.  Gay.  The only thing worth watching for is when the kid (Newton this year) makes his speech, and all of the middle-aged-to-old black dudes like Earl Campbell and Marcus Allan and shit are standing behind him going ‘it’s okay.  Take your time baby.  Take your time.’  High comedy.  That’s totally what she said.

And it is a sign of the time of year.  This isn’t a one week hiatus.  It is really gone.  God, it is like a void has been opened.  Bowl week is fine, but I am actually having a personal crisis right now.  I can’t just waste time with shit like ‘friends,’ ‘family,’ ‘work,’ or ‘school,’ on Saturday.  And don’t even try to step in, NFL.  It’s just not the same.  I NEED MY COLLEGE FOOTBALL!  Now I am going to wake up every Saturday, and have nothing to do.  I mean that is the case anyways, but at least now I can not get anything done while I watch Troy play Southern Miss on Thursday night, or be worthless while I hang on every play of Rutgers and UVA on Saturdays.  That’s WAY better.

9. One more from the ‘Yeah I probably should have posted this before it even came up but I may as well talk about it since I didn’t file:

If you haven’t, you need to see the video of the Metrodome collapsing.  Holy dayaftertomorrow.  That looked like a bad special effect.  God that is going to be a nightmare to clean up.  And the logistics of moving home games are a nightmare.  Refunds, redoing seating charts…that takes months.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 University of Minnesota Vikings.  Enjoy playing games outside in a Minnesota January, Brett.  Serves you right, prick. 

(For what it’s worth, they are moving today’s game to Detroit and they say that they can have it fixed for the Vikings next home game.  The problem is, their next home game is next Monday night, not oh, say, four months from now, so yeah…I’m not buying it.)

10.  At the gym yesterday, I walked up to the bike that I usually ride to warm up, and saw that the TV in front of it was on TNT.  Usually, this would have meant that we were watching an NBA game that I wasn’t interested in, or some crappy Law and Order rerun (or whatever it is that TNT shows.  Suffice to say I wouldn’t be interested.  Then it came back from commercials, and I saw what was on.

300.

Fuck.  And.  Yes.

Dude I am so down to watch some Spartans FUCK SHIT UP right now.  This is totally conducive to the attitude that I want this workout to take on.  I am going to bench press 350 pounds.  Fuck that.  350 pound dumbbells.  I love that movie.  Gets me totally amped.  When we played San Jose State, they played the dude yelling THIS IS SPAAAAARRRRTTTAAAAAA, right before the game.  It was badass.  First and only time I have ever been jealous of anything related to San Jose State.  Watch a trailer, and then try not to be overcome with adrenaline.  I don’t think you can do it. 

Tell me you don't want to go find some Persians and fuck shit up right now. 


Anyways, I was there for like 30 seconds before some ass comes over and changes it to a college basketball game that I could not possibly give a shit about, and that was on the other TV, maybe 20 feet away.  I wanted to lunge 30 feet through the air and drive a spear through his skull, and I’m pretty sure that it would have been considered ‘justifiable homicide.’

Anyways, 300 is badass.

LINKS

Since I’m there are no more college games to pick, I’m not going to bother trying to get 10 anymore.  To make up for it, I’ll throw in some links at the end (in addition to the Drew Magary, Bill Simmons and whatever else that I have been doing.).

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Florida Starbucks Cups.  Only fucking Florida.

Drew Magary link of the Week-  A nice piece on the virtues of Rudolph (e has conflicting feelings about Charlie Brown)

It is pathetic that this is as close as we come to a CFB playoff, but it is.

Sorry to mix in so much hockey this week, but If you like the sport even a little bit, and even if you don’t, Don Cherry should be must watch every week. 

Most of this stuff is obnoxious, misogynistic, inappropriate, vulgar and obnoxious again.  In other words, it is hilarious and I love it.

For example. 

Real Quick, Gambling:

Cowboys (+3) over Eagles

Pats (-3) over Bears

Giants (-3) over Vikings

Ravens (-3) over Texans

Chargers (-7) over Cheifs


(UPDATE:  Adding the 'angry white guys' label.  How could I not give our friend megaskeet420 up there the Angry White Guys tag.  That one's on me.)

No One Worthy

So, Oregon and Auburn took care of business.  Actually, let’s be fair.  What they did was more like take care of BUSINESS.  The italics and caps are more than warranted, after both of the nation’s active undefeated teams beat down on their opponents.  So now, we have chaos.  As usual.  The BCS is charged with choosing which teams are somehow ‘more worthy’ than others to play in the big payout bowls.  There is a problem, though.  Not just that there are three teams who are undefeated, and to somehow squeeze in a playoff or even a plus one between now and the January 6^th National Championship would be impossible.  Sure, it is a nice idea, but the logistics of playing two games in just 34 days would be a nightmare.  The main problem isn’t that there are too many teams that are qualified for the championship game.  It’s that there are in fact no teams that are worthy, either for the championship, or for the BCS at all.  Allow me to explain.

Of course, any team with 3 or more losses can be counted out.  That is obvious.  But it turns out none of the two, one are zero loss teams are up to the haughty standards of the BCS.  It’’s too bad, but it looks like they are just going to have to cancel them this year.  Here’s why:

Two Loss Teams:

(ACC)

Virginia Tech Hokies

They lost to a 1-AA team, for crying out loud.  They also lost to a WAC team, which, in terms of BCS implications, is actually worse.

(Big 12)

Missouri Tigers (9-2)

Be honest, for a second.  If you had to guess Missouri’s record, you would have gone in the 7-5 to 8-4 range.  Of course you would have been wrong.  Missouri, somehow, managed to pull out 9 Ws this year in the Big 12, despite the fact that you have no idea who is on their team unless you are Mel Kiper or Todd McShay, and maybe not even then.  I don't want to watch a bunch of nobodies in the BCS.  That would suck.

Oklahoma Sooners (9-2)

Sure, they just won the Big 12 title game, which sounds impressive and all, until you consider that the Big 12 North is the NCAA big conference equivalent of the UFL.  An SEC team would go like 16-0 in the Big-12 North (they would be so dominant, wins would start counting for 2).  Besides, Oklahoma lost to Missouri, and we just proved that they don’t deserve to make it, so how could we take Oklahoma?

Oklahoma State Cowboys (9-2)

Same logic applies, with the Cowboys having fallen to the Sooners.  More importantly, though it would make T. Boone Pickens really, really happy if the program he spent approximately $4.5 Trillion on at least parlayed that into a BCS team.  For comedy sake, though, it is way funnier if the team with the most modern stadium in the nation plays in the Alamo bowl every year.  Also, Mike Gundy is 42.  He forgot to update us this year.

(The Big East doesn’t have any teams with less than three losses.  No joke is needed here.)

(Mountain West)

Utah Utes (10-2)

The Utes are from a non-BCS conference, which should automatically disqualify them.  Since it doesn’t (YET!) an ass-kicking at the hands of Notre Dame (Notre freaking Dame) got the job done. 

(SEC)

LSU Tigers (10-2)

Everyone seems to agree that Les Miles is the worst football coach in the world, this despite the fact that he has won a national championship, and LSU is a contender almost every year.  Still, who wants to see shitty coaching in the BCS?  That would be ugly.  As for the team itself, they couldn’t crack the top 100 in passing yardage.  Running football?  BOORING.

Arkansas Razorbacks (9-2)

The Razorbacks, as it happens, are actually going to the Sugar Bowl to play Ohio State.  This is, of course a travesty.  Arkansas was beaten by Alabama, who is not good enough to be in a BCS bowl, and in college football every game has to matter, otherwise the INTEGRITY OF THE BESTEST REGULAR SEASON IN THE UNIVERSE gets totally bunged up.

ONE LOSS TEAMS

(Big 10)

Wisconsin Badgers (11-1)

The Badgers beat an AQ conference team with a record around .500 by 63 points, despite giving up 20.  Now, that sounds impressive, but please remember: margin of victory DOES NOT MATTER.  That just wouldn’t make sense.  So that win counts exactly the same as Michigan’s beating Indiana by 7 does for the BCS, which it should.  Also, hanging 83 on  team is totally running up the score.  You know who runs up the score?  Assholes.  That’s who. (editors note:  a better answer would be ‘teams that  can run up the score')  Do we want to reward assholes?  I don’t.

Ohio State Buckeyes(11-1)

LeBron James is totally boys with Terell Pryor, at least according to James’s tweets.  Everyone in Ohio seems to think that James is an asshole, and if Pryor likes him, that probably makes Pryor a douche too (guilt by association is like the 50021^st lowest item on the BCS’s veracity scale).  Speaking of douches, Gordon Gee. ‘Nuff Said. 

Michigan State Spartans(11-1)

Michigan State lost to Iowa, who lost to Minnesota, who lost to South Dakota State.  A 1-AA TEAM!  Therefore, by the standards of the BCS, as I understand them, Michigan State lost to a 1-AA team.  There is no way you could let a team that lost to a 1-AA team in the BCS. 

(Pac-10)

Stanford Cardinal (11-1)

NERDS! NERDS!  FUCKING NERDS!

(The BCS is a party.  Stanford is the nerds.  Anyone who has seen a college movie- and it is college football no less- knows that nerds don’t get invited to parties.  That’s just good science.  So Andrew Luck has to play beer pong in his dorm room with water because they don’t want to drink the dirt that gets on the ball and it is way easier to hide if the RA comes by when you just have side beers- I think this is what nerds do anyways, but I wouldn’t know since I am totally in a fraternity and go to parties and am awesome like that, just like everyone with a blog-, by which I mean go to the Emerald Nuts Why the Fuck are we Playing Football in AT&T Park Bowl)

(WAC)

Nevada Wolfpack(12-1)

I essentially said as much in the Utah blurb, but it is fucking ridiculous that I have to even acknowledge these Mickey Mouse conferences.  Mark May totally sees the light.  There is no way these second rate hacks could play with the likes of the big conferences.  Anyways, Nevada lost to Hawai’i , and they aren’t even a part of the contingent 48 United States.  Some of you may not think that is a legitimate reason to knock them as a football team, but to you I say this:  TOTALLY FUCKIN IS.

Boise State Broncos (12-1)

Boise State had their chance, but they blew it.  All they had to do was make a lousy field goal, and they didn’t do it.  Clearly they don’t want to be there very badly.  There are only 10 BCS spots.  May as well at least give them to someone who wants them.  It is just the system that Coach Pete won’t STOP SAYING HE HAS FAITH IN, somehow, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

UNDEFEATEDS

TCU Horned Frogs (12-0)

For a third time, I will remind you that the people who play football in small conferences should be considered sub-human.  Apart from that, TCU wears purple, and their quarterback is a ginger, or a ‘daywalker’ if you want to use the scientific term (I get most of my scientific terms from South Park). 

On the field, TCU’s resume appears strong, but the fact is they only played one big boy school, and that was Oregon State.  They always lose to those shitty small schools, and therefore don’t count.  That makes TCU’s best win, if I am not mistaken, an overtime decision over a Plano East High School team with 3 kids who have made D-1 (real D-1, not pussy Mountain West shit) commitments.

Auburn Tigers (13-0)

Why shouldn’t Auburn get to play in a BCS Bowl?  You mean other than the fact that their quarterback may or may not make NFL league minimum?  I mean that seems like a pretty good reason, but okay, we can do one more.

Auburn squeaked by pretty much every team that they played.  The ‘Bama game should have been a loss.  Clemson should have been a loss.  Kentucky should have been a loss.  Mississippi State should have been a loss.  South Carolina should have been a loss.  So that makes them, what, like 8-5?  You are really going to put a 9-5 team in the BCS?  That would be ridiculous.

Oregon Ducks (12-0)

This one is the hardest to disprove, but dig this:  Phil Knight, of Nike wealth, gave the Oregon program millions of dollars this year, and each of the last few years.  Most of it, presumably, went towards facilities, but what if it didn’t?  What if they used it to pay LaMarcus James a lucrative salary?  What then?  THAT WOULD TOTALLY MAKE THEM INELIGABLE!  Just sayin’.  No smoke without fire.

As for this Oregon team, they played New Mexico, a weak Tennessee team, and Portland State out of conference.  On top of that, the Pac-10 was pretty weak this year.  So Oregon’s schedule clearly didn’t have the integrity needed to go to a BCS bowl. 

So there you go.  No one deserves the honor of playing in the extremely lucrative, but ultimately meaningless BCS bowls.  I don’t like it any more than you do, but that is just the way it is.  Cancelling the bowls entirely is the only fair thing to do.  You need to be deserving to play in a BCS bowl, and this year, no one is. 

Except for UConn.  They totally earned it.

Nit Picks: Fighting Through

Busy this week…let’s get right after it.  I am typing this before I really get going, and I’m just going to kind of roll with it, but I don’t feel any obligation to get to 10 this week, so I probably won’t.  Shorter? Yes.  Sweeter?  You be the judge.

1. This is going to come as a surprise to regular readers of this blog, but there is something that the football media has latched on to that I think is absolutely moronic. 

Shocking.  I know. 

Anyways, this week it is the whole Derek Anderson ‘smilegate’ that is insane.  For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the ‘scandal,’ essentially, Anderson was seen by the MNF cameras, laughing at something on the sideline while the Cards were getting crushed by the Niners on Monday night.  A couple of people latched on to this, and Anderson was asked about it in the post game press conference, leading to an absolutely fantastic meltdown at the podium. 

Now, first things first:  I am absolutely in favor of anything, anything, that could lead to a potential ‘PLAYOFFS!?’, ‘THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE,’ or ‘PRACTICTE?’ moment.  These things are, as far as I am concerned, the height of comedy.  THOSE COORS LIGHT ADS AND DJ STEVE PORTER CLIPS AREN’T GOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES DAMMIT.  That aspect of the whole situation, I am in full support of.  (And for the record, I don’t think less of Anderson for it.  I would have a meltdown like that every two weeks if I was in the NFL.  Reporters, I’m sure, would openly try to bate me into it, and they would be right to.  I throw a temper tantrum and go on a 5 minute monologue when my housemates get the kitchen dirty for fuck sakes, which is ridiculous, but on the other hand THERE WAS NO NEED TO LEAVE THAT BOWL IN THE SINK, MATT.  THE FUCKING DISHWASHER IS RIGHT THERE.  AND CLEAN THE GODDAMN SKILLET.  WERE YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN?  I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.  THIS IS INSANE.  THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE EVER.  HAS TO BE.  NOT EVEN JOKING.)

The criticism, though, both from John Gruden during the telecast and from those in the press conference after the game is downright nonsensical.  It represents a lack of understanding of basic human psychology, oblivion towards the nature of competitive spirit, and a general shortage of anything to say or ask about that may have value. 

Obviously, playing college and high school hockey haven’t taught me absolutely everything that there is to know about being an NFL quarterback.  Still, I know what it is like to play competitive sports.  I also happen to be that guy, a little bit when it comes to competing.

There are plenty of things I could be accused of as an athlete (including but not limited to undersized, inconsistent, and white), but uninterested, or not competitive enough are not among them.  When things aren’t going my way, when the team is losing, it fucks up my day.  I can become a dick.  I get pissed.  I want to punish myself, if I think that I could have been better.  I don’t want to talk to people if it isn’t about how we can turn it around.  Nothing else matters, and it pisses me off when others don’t share my anger.  Sometimes, I take it too far.  I have throw things, punched things, and yelled at teammates (the team as a whole, I would never single a guy out).  I hate losing at anything, and when it is something that I care about, like hockey for me, or like football for Derek Anderson, it will absolutely destroy your mood.

Having said that, I can’t count the number of times that I have laughed during times like these even though I was pissed off.  Believe me it isn’t because you don’t care, or because you don’t take it seriously.  Losing and anger, not so much on the field, but definitely in the locker room and on the sidelines, creates tension.  Even if you have never played a sport in your life, you can relate to the fact that tension usually leads to tension being broken.  What breaks tension?  Funny shit.  What do you do when you see funny shit?  You laugh. 

It comes down to one thing.  These guys had nothing to say, so they decided to go with this.  I actually blame Gruden more than the guy who incited the press conference rant.  The issue had been raised by the post game, and the guy needed something to talk about.  The reason Gruden is in the booth, on the other hand, is because he was an NFL head coach, and presumably can think of something insightful to say about the game, and he doesn’t have to bang on about unrelated or in this case, untrue crap.  Of course, that is exactly what they do 99% of the time, but that doesn’t make it any more forgivable. 

Then again, John Gruden wouldn’t understand because he doesn’t have human emotions, and the dudes asking at the presser were probably jaded douches looking for anything to make a guy that they are jealous of look bad, so I guess it is kind of understandable.  Still, though, fucking stupid.

Random Stuff  OF THE WEEK

2. Drew Magary link of the Week- The Haters Guide to Taylor Swift

Magary is awesome; I am clearly on record about that, but COUNTERPOINT MOTHERFUCKER:

How could you, Drew?  How could you.  Attack America’s sweetheart like that?  Why Taylor?  Sure, you feel like you have had her shoved down your throat the last few months, or perhaps years, but think about it.  


It could be so much worse. 

It could be Katy Perry.  Or Lady Gaga.  Or Beyonce (it kind of is).  Or just about anyone else.  At least Tay-Swizz, as my teenage sister calls her (shit…that probably isn’t helping my point), has some level of musical virtuosity.  Her producers do, anyways. 

And frankly, I don’t care if that is the case, or if it is actually her.  I’m not trying to hire her as a fucking minstrel or anything.  I download her shit off of iTunes and it sounds sick.  That’s good enough.  I could give a fuck if it was made by the cute girl on the cover or by a 200 hour editing session in some studio.  I’m perfectly happy living with the illusion if need be. 

You also referred to it as ‘training bra music,’ to which I say…shit, you probably have a point there.  Let’s move on. 

Lyrically, you broke down the implausibility of the song You Belong With Me. You said that “This woman is a fucking ROCK STAR and a millionaire. She's, like, ninety stages above the cheer captain. Cheer captains are fucking special ed students compared to her. And she never wears fucking t-shirts. She wears $10,000 Halston gowns and all kinds of other sparkly shit.”  Hat off.  That was hilarious.  I laughed out loud, no joke.  But there are a couple of problems.  The notion that the songs might (GASP!) not be based in reality is something that I just might be able to get over.  Again, I am pretty fucking happy to live with the illusion, thanks.  And how many songs actually are true stories?  1 in 100?  1 in 1000?  Fucking none?  I’m leaning towards the third option.  You mean that Kenny Rodgers didn’t actually sit next to a gambler on a train?  What CAN I believe in?

There is another problem with that.  That song SUCKS.  It may actually be one of her worst songs.  Blame the demented masses for shoving that B-side piece of shit down our throats.  Have you ever heard Love Story?  It is AWESOME.  I’m not saying that Whit Horse changed the way I thought about love, but I wouldn’t deny it if someone else suggested it.  The Way I Loved You is 5000 times better than You Belong With Me.  The first time I heard Enchanted I fucking CRIED (not really, but still).  When my buddy said that Dear John made him angry at John Mayer I laughed and called him a pussy.  Then I listened to the song.  I wanted to go to Fairfield, CT and KICK HIS FUCKING ASS (HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HOW COULD YOU HURT HER?  SHE WAS JUST A GIRL YOU EVIL FUCK!).  Saying that Swift sucks because you don’t like You Belong With Me is like saying the SEC sucks because you saw a Vanderbilt game and were unimpressed. 

3. TEACHER QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

‘so the ghetto blaster was a very important technological innovation.’

She really said that.  I have nothing to add.

4. BILL SIMMONS LINK OF THE WEEK

The Color Purple

I have to admit, I really enjoyed this column about Bill Simmons’s 5 year old daughter and the NBA.  Shut up.

5. REASON AMERICA KICKS ASS OF THE WEEK

We hunt on full stomachs.  ‘Nuff said.

6. On Sunday, I gave what I considered to be a pretty reasoned recap of where I stood with College Football and the Boise State Broncos.  I tried to keep the anger and bitterness that could easily have found their way into the account out of it, and I think that I was largely able to do that.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

Anyways, here is all of the hate filled, angry and mean diatribe that I really wanted to post immediately, but held off on in favor of actually writing something that didn’t prominently involve the Caps Lock button.

First of all, and most importantly, I need to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me since Friday. 

(clearing throat.)  (brace yourselves)

THE KICK WAS GOOD!  IT WAS FUCKING GOOD.  I SWEAR TO GOD.  IT WENT IN.  LOOK AT THE VIDEO.  I’LL EVEN EMBED IT.  IM WAITING, JUST WATCH.

FUCKINGDAMNITI’MGOINGTOKILLEVERYONEBECUASEITWASFUCKINGINHOWCOULDYOUPOSSIBLYMISSTHATWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK! (breaks something)  There is even scientific proof!  Here! 

Sure, it actually isn’t all that scientific and relies entirely on where he decided to say it hit, knowing if that would make it good or not, BUT HE TOTALLY GOT IT RIGHT!  This isn’t play anger, like I usually spew here.  This is actual, we got screwed the fuck over, vindictive rage.  Seriously, go fuck yourself you fucking blind shit back judge who called it no good.  I have no idea what the fuck you were looking at.  Also, go fuck yourself, University of Nevada-Reno for being a cheap, second rate, Mickey Mouse BS program that can’t even afford REAL FUCKING GOALPOSTS THAT WOULD HAVE FUCKING SOLVED THIS PROBLEM (you assholes totally knew that it would come into play and seal the biggest win in your programs history).  And finally, what the fuck, college football, for not making this a reviewable play.  Even baseball can review similar plays, with home runs, and they both act like it is and would prefer that it was fucking 1884. 

That was, obviously, the most egregious mistake, but there were others.  With a couple of minutes left, I even told the room at large that I didn’t even care if we won anymore.  The game had been rendered completely meaningless, in my opinion, because the officiating had been so bad. It was, at that point, a crapshoot.  Losing was worthless.  Winning was equally meaningless.

Sure, I was just pissed off and being childish, but the refs did suck the whole game.  The most obvious example was the phantom kick catch interference call where the Nevada returner heard Doug Martin coming to LIGHT HIM THE EFF UP, realized he was an imbecile for not calling fair catch with a former linebacker turned beast running back bearing down on him, and made up for it by not catching the ball, about a half second before Martin lit him up anyways.  This was somehow ‘before or simultaneous to’ his catching of the ball, which, again, never really took place because he is a pansy. 

That changed the whole game.  It went from being Boise’s ball in Nevada territory, to being Nevada’s at midfield.  Our defense had needed the rest badly.  It was also followed by a few phantom 15 yard penalties, including two PIs, even though I’m pretty sure Nevada’s secondary actually wrestled Titus Young to the ground, duct taped his mouth and tied his hands to his feet behind his back while he tried to catch a 15 yard crossing pattern at one point with no flag.

Not that I’m bitter.

(For the record, that was me trying to control myself.  Really, I would have been happy with a long string of profanities and mean spirited jokes about how shitty Reno is and how bad a school UNRcc is.)

7. Now I’m pissed off.  This would be a good time to mention that I can’t even give a shit about the Cowboys anymore.  It was nice that they almost mounted a comeback on Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t bring myself to be mad when they fell short.  God, this has been an awesome sports year.  Sox were done by mid-July.  Cowboys were done by the start of November.  Boise State broke my GD heart.  I swear, the Sharks are probably going to miss the playoffs, and the Warriors are…just kidding I don’t give a shit about the NBA.

8.  MUSIC RANT OF THE WEEK (Now with 100% more football!)

Hey, University of Alabama,

We have a pretty good relationship.  You are fratty and preppy as hell.  I like that.  You care way too much about football.  I like that.  Nick Saban is the highest paid state employee.  I acknowledge this is kind of fucked up but HOW MANY NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS HAS GOVERNER RILEY WON?  ZERO.  THAT’S HOW MANY.  So I like that.  My sister wants to look at you.  I’m for it.  Law school in Tuscaloosa?  I could see it.

But you fucked up.  You fired the kid who played the songs taunting Cam Newton in warm-ups of the Iron Bowl.  You meant to promote him.  Promote.  Not fire.  Not sure how you crossed those two up. 

I mean come on.  It is the Iron Bowl for christsake.  It is like half a step behind full on international warfare.  I have been to Bama for Thanksgiving.  This shit divides families.  You can’t talk a little trash over the loud speakers before the game?  I, for one, think that you earned that right when you got 80,000 fucking people to come to a spring scrimmage. 

Then there are the songs themselves.  One of them was Son of a Preacher Man, by Dusty Springfield (because Newton’s father, the accused, is a minister).  That song is fucking awesome.  I’m listening to it right now.  Hear that beat?  Then he’d look into my eyes.  Lord Knows to my surprise…My head is bobbing.  Involuntarily.  Only one who could ever reach me… I am in the library.  People are staring at me.  I don’t care.  The only one, who could ever teach me… I might start singing. This is a great song.  How can you punish him for playing that? WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN!

(and no, stoners, and most people under about 40, that isn't the intro from Hits from the Bong.  Cypress Hill stole that shit.)


The other one was Take the Money and Run by Steve Miller Band (for obvious reasons).  Again, a good song.  Not as good as Preacher Man (LOVE that song), but still, pretty solid.  Besides, that is FUCKING HILARIOUS. 

So, yeah, I won’t stay mad long Alabama, but you really should have promoted that guy.

9. The Bronco Nation Loves Kyle Brotzman

The dude is the program’s leading scorer.  He won the Fiesta Bowl last year.  The team never should have been in that position. 

GAMBLING? Gambling.

I am at like 2500 words…making this short and sweet:

Philadelphia Eagles (-8) over Houston Texans

Minnesota Vikings (-5.5) over Buffalo Bills

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Indianapolis Colts (-5) over Dallas Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (+3) over Baltimore Ravens

USC (-6) over UCLA

Nevada (-8) over LA Tech

Boise State (-37.5) over Utah State

South Carolina (+5.5) over Auburn

Bucking the Trend

At the end of the day, I just like watching them play football.  That is going to have to be enough. 

It needs to be, if I am going to continue to be a fan of the Boise State Broncos (and I am).  Well, if I want to enjoy being a fan, anyways.  It sucks, sure, that with two missed field goals, countless missed calls, and one missed opportunity, that everything changed for ‘Bronco Nation,’ but I’m afraid it did.

 

No superlative would be too superlativey in describing how hard Boise’s loss was to take on Friday night.  The entire state (myself included) is in a state of catatonic shock.  Stomach punch falls way short, in fact.  The feeling was more reminiscent of a punch that landed a few inches south of there.  

Just 8 hours earlier, the sky was the limit.  Alabama was rolling on Auburn, and looked poised to take out the number two seed, the one that was presumably going to be the only thing that could stand between Big Blue and a spot in the national championship game by the time the polls came out on Sunday.  Then the second half happened. 

Auburn caught every break.  Cam Newton somehow won everyone over to his Heisman campaign with 218 yards passing and 1.8 yards per carry (I’m still not sure how exactly such a performance did this, but the Auburn mess is a different column entirely).  Somehow, they managed to sneak by the Tide.  I was pissed, partly because I like to casually root for ‘Bama in the SEC, but mostly because of the implications that it could have had for Boise.  Still, there was hope, since Oregon was sure to be challenged by Arizona.

They were.  Sort of.  The Wildcats carried a lead into half time and appeared to be handling the potent Oregon attack.  Unfortunately, Mike Stoops made a decision that hasn’t received nearly as much scrutiny as you would expect, sending out his third string players for the second half (as far as I could tell.  There was no way it was the same group).  The move backfired, and the Ducks absolutely stomped the Wildcats in the second half. 

The whole afternoon was agonizing.  I made a point multiple times in the last couple of weeks, and it was grinding me as I watched on Friday.  I absolutely HATE rooting for random teams based on potential BCS implications.  I have to, though.  There is simply no alternative.  Sure, I would have been rooting for Alabama anyways, but it would have been a much more enjoyable experience if I had been on their side for the sake of being on their side, not for the sake of the computer polls.  Arizona, on the other hand, should mean nothing to me.  I don’t like Arizona.  I don’t want to root for them.

Friday afternoon also demonstrated the other reason that I am, for want of a better term, sick of this crap.  The other problem with constantly rooting for upsets is that most of the time they are potential upsets for a reason.  That reason: usually they don’t happen.  It leads to a whole lot of losing.  Somehow, rooting for a 10-0 team had lead to a lot of demoralizing Saturdays this fall.  On this particular day, it was two losses that could be described as devastating.  A late lead blown and a second half shellacking are both hard ways to go down.  By the 8:20 kickoff, I was already feeling 0-2 on the day.

Anyways, a jump to number two was out of the question by the time the Broncos kicked off, which was tough, but it would be forgotten once the game started and we got to watch them do their thing.   That was my attitude when my buddy texted me saying that he was frustrated by the first two games, and nervous about even watching Boise.  Forget that, I replied, watching that was agony.  This is the one that we get to enjoy. 

For the third time, the first half went great.  24-7. We were playing like…well, Boise State.  Nevada looked like another WAC team that we were going to roll.  The afternoon had been forgotten.  The usual sorts of thoughts were cropping back up.  48-14 at this pace.  That would be good.  That’s a statement.  Can we get 50?  Oregon State is tough enough.  The SEC Championship game is no joke.  At the very least we were going to jump TCU.  Everything seemed okay. 

Then, everything blew up.  It is painful to recap.  Brutal officiating.  Missed opportunities.  An offense that stalled, seemingly for the first time all year.  More brutal officiating.  We had a football game.  A defense that couldn’t get off the field.  The ball is bouncing Nevada’s way.  Nevada has the ball in our territory.  Down 1 score.  Toa and Kaepernick are having their way.  Third down conversion.  Third down conversion.  Tie game.  Wait?  What the..?  TIE GAME!?

It probably sounds hard to believe, given what would ensue, but this was the low point.  I still thought that we would pull it out.  I had faith that they couldn’t stop us, and in a way I was right.  But this was the low point, because the realization was that in the bigger picture, it probably wasn’t enough.  Even if we won, all of a sudden, it seemed unlikely that it would do anything other than keep us where we were.  We could still win the game, but the opportunity was lost.  If you have never rooted for a mid-major in this twisted system, I cannot possibly explain what this feels like.  A combination of emptiness and frustration are as good as I can do.  Like being cut from a team you know you deserved to make. 

Having said that, the feeling was pushed aside when Titus Young did what Titus Young does, and outran defenders playing with a 25 yard head start, pulling in a Kellen Moore bomb, and setting up a field goal with two seconds left.  If you care about sports enough to be reading this, though, you know what happened next.  I could rant about how I want Kyle Brotzman’s blood (I don’t), or about how I have studied the ‘missed’ field goal and really believe that it was good (I do), but it would be a waste of time.  You saw it.  We lost. 

It is still hard to put it all in perspective.  The nation’s longest winning streak was done.  Jumping TCU was done.  A top 2 finish was done.  For a year, Boise had been relevant.  Not anymore.  It all felt…wasted.  The time breaking it down had been for nothing.  For a scenario that would never come to life.  The calories burned caring had been a lead up to a massive disappointment.  Two questions stuck out:

Was this the peak of the Boise State Football program?

Could I even do this again next year?

It sounds kind of silly.  College football is, almost without question, my second favorite sport to follow, just behind the NHL.  On Friday, I thought I might be done with it.  No joke.  The emotional investment for something that disappeared so quickly was certainly a factor, but that wasn’t really it.  It wasn’t the loss.  It was the emotion right before the loss that threatened to drive me away.  Was it worth following a sport where I had to go through a day (a season, really), of being disappointed when teams that I don’t care about get wiped out by superior squads, only to have it rendered meaningless because the biggest game of my team’s season was too close?  The answer seemed to be no. 

A post game walk around the neighborhood in single digit temperatures (ill advised given a head cold, but satisfying none the less) and a night to sleep on it made it clear to me that there is no way I’m not watching college football just as avidly next year (although admittedly I had none of my usual interest in Saturday’s games).  I can’t give it up, not that I even want to.  I need to change something, though.  The obvious thing to let go of would be the intensity.  That isn’t realistic, though, either.  If I am going to watch, I am going to be a die hard for the only thing my home state produces of national relevance other than potatoes. 

Still, I have to change something, which brings me back to the first question.  I don’t know if Boise State peaked last week.  It will be impossible to say, at least until next year when the Kellen Moore era reaches its end and we know what ends up being accomplished with 11 under center.  Even if it wasn’t the peak, though, it was the end of an era.  The first regular season loss in three years ended the aura of invincibility.  It may well have taken the Broncos out of national relevance (for now), and out of the National Title discussion.  It could actually help. 

The thing about the Broncos over the last three years is that every game mattered so much that, in a weird way, none of them mattered.  Paradoxical as that may sound, it was the case.  No one win could have significance.    Not even wins over Oregon or Virginia Tech were victories unto themselves.  They were steps in an attempt to get to a perfect season.  And to have chaos rein at the top of the polls.  And to be the best non-AQ.  And to be high enough in the computers.  And to have the teams we beat win their other games so that our strength of schedule was high enough. 

It is just the 500001^st way of saying that the system sucks.  The problem is, college football isn’t going to ditch it.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t.  That’s my goal for next year.  I can’t institute a playoff, but I can get rid of the BCS. 

It is game by game.  I will watch other games and root for the team that I like more, or not at all.  I’m done worrying if Oregon State was strong enough to make that a quality win, or if we were convincing enough to be the top ranked non-AQ.  I am going to enjoy watching Moore make every throw.  And watching Doug Martin run through tacklers.  I want wins to be wins again.  Not auditions for voters, or part of a run to some bowl.  This has been a great college football season.  I have enjoyed it.  But it has been frustrating as hell.  It shouldn’t be, and if I just enjoy games as games, nothing more, it won’t be.

So in the words of one of the greatest speakers of all time, Winston Churchill, ‘screw it’ (he had to have said it at some point).  I’m fired up for Utah State.