Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Call to Arms

I have eluded, a number of times, to the fact that I am in a fraternity (or if you like, the fact that I am an insufferable, douche bag frat boy, although I resent that distinction, and would contend that it isn’t true). Now, as it happens, our fraternity does not have pledges for the winter and spring quarters, which is a shame, because right now, I have the single best idea for a pledge task that I have ever had, and possibly the best one that anyone has ever had. 

Since I can’t do it (well, assign it) right now, I have to at least record it.  An idea like this doesn’t come around often.  On top of that, I need to share it.  This is my forum.  I’m going to make the most of it. 

It requires at least three or four pledges, although if more are available, there would be plenty of ways to get them involved. 

(At this point I should mention that this could also be applicable for college hockey teams with freshies, but schools could see it as inappropriate and punish the teams, whereas fair or not, it would likely be seen as ‘frats doing what frats do’ if done by pledges, and a tame instance at that.  I don’t want people to get their teams in trouble, so I will gear it towards frats here.)

The scene for the task is simple.  During finals week, there are approximately 245812 people on the second floor of the library at any given time between, well, 12:00AM and 11:59 PM (so all day).  The tension is high.  Occasionally, people try to do ridiculous things to break that tension, but streaking has been pretty played out and I feel like it is time to get more creative.  I think I know how.

The first pledge in question will bring at minimum one book and go to the library, where he will sit down in a chair or at a desk, but not far from a bit of open space (the reason for this will become clear) and begin to read.  Did I mention that the pledge will be wearing full hockey pads, including roller blades, gloves and a stick?  Because he will be.  That is probably worth mentioning. 

People will glance, but ultimately ignore the getup (students’ capacity to ignore weird shit goes through the roof for finals week) and return to their books after a few minutes.  Around the time that people stop paying attention to the fact that there is a dude wearing a helmet and shoulder pads (probably 4 or 5 minutes after he sits down), the action begins. 

Another pledge, also in full gear, skates up to the first.  The first pledge puts down his book, and stands to face the pledge.  They exchange words.  Then a small slash on the shin pads.  Then a shove.  By now there is an audience.  You know what happens next. 

Gloves come off, and they scrap.  In the library.  In full pads.  A whistle blows, and two more pledges, also on skates, rush in, these ones wearing linesman jerseys.  Once the fight is through, they break it up, pull the combatants apart, and skate them off in different directions. 

It would be epic.

Not just epic.  Legendary.  

Unfortunately, I can’t make it happen.  Firstly, because of the fact that I don’t have pledges that I can manipulate at the moment.  Second of all, because my school is small enough, and uptight enough that the people involved would almost certainly be caught and punished.  But that doesn't have to mean that I can’t see my dream in action.

This has nothing to do with sports (it is no more than tangentially related, at least), and has no analytical value, newsworthiness or insight that these posts usually fail to achieve but at least try for most of the time, but I post it here for a reason.

There are plenty of hockey players out there that are in fraternities, and while quarter system winter exams are passing (and only take place at a small percentage of schools in the first place), spring exams aren’t that far away.  Plenty of these hockey players have pledges.  And libraries.  Even if you aren’t in a frat, your team has freshman, aka rookies that you can manipulate and charge around.

To my OV Sports readership: You are small, but I have faith in you.  Let’s make this happen.  I have a dream.  That one day, I will be able to go on YouTube, and watch a video of two college freshmen, slugging it out and being led away to a non-existent penalty box while people look up from their biology papers to watch.  Because that would be badass.  So please.  Send this to your friends.  Post it on message boards.  

Let’s get the word out.  Let’s make it happen.

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