Nit Picks: Way Late

The Above Image is WAY better than actually caring about real life.

1. Usually, I try to get this up by Thursday night.  That is because both the college and NFL weekend schedules, for TV reasons, will start on Thursday night, and I want to have the opportunity to include those games in the picks, and in the preview stud, just so the whole week kind of gets grouped together.  This week, though, there is no college football game and I WILL BE GODDAMED IF I AM GOING TO BE BEHOLDEN TO NFL NETWORK.  They don’t run my life.  Really, I just didn’t have time to get it up in time, but still, it sounds way better to say that it is because I run my business and NO ONE ELSE.

2. I’m mixing in a baseball note here, because I don’t feel like churning out an entire baseball column in mid-December, and IT IS MY BLOG SO I WILL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE (sorry).  You may be wondering what I am, as a Red Sox fan, thinking about the trade-and-sign of Adrian Gonzalez for a reported (although unannounced) 7 years and $ 154 million, and then the signing Carl Crawford for 7 years and $ 142 million.  I am against it.  Sure, they are good players, but to throw around that much money was irresponsible.  How are we going to re-sign guys like Josh Bard, John Lester and Clay Buchholz when the times come now?  Those contracts will completely mess up our salary cap situation.

Wait, what’s that?  There is no salary cap in baseball?  That’s right!  THERE IS NO CAP IN BASEBALL!

Allow me, then, to revise my thoughts on these signings, now that I have this bit of information:  


WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! NOT MY FUCKING MONEY!  FUCK IT, GIVE ‘EM $200 MILLION!  And to the rest of baseball, I say this: don’t hate the player, hate the game.  No cap means that if the Red Sox want to throw the GDP of a small African nation at a first baseman, they can do that, and I’ll be damned if I am going to have misgivings about it.  Enjoy you’re revenue sharing checks, Kansas City, Pittsburgh and Oakland that will go directly into your owners' pockets (and by pockets I mean offshore bank accounts).  That should be a huge comfort while you’re watching bad baseball all summer.

God, the Red Sox are good now.  We have middle of the order quality guys at what, 7 positions?  Ortiz can take his typical 4 month spring training and it won’t even matter this year, since he should be hitting in like the 8 hole anyways.  Unbelievable.


And to those of you saying that the Red Sox are what we have always hated, I say this.  No we aren't.  We hated losing to that.  Now we are winning 125 games with it, which I, for one, am completely okay with.

3. Like videos that confirm every single stereotype that you have ever heard about a place?  Me too.  his one does just that for Alabama. 

(Deadspin dug this gem up on Saturday, and as a dude with a functioning Blogger.com account, it is my solemn obligation to pass it along)

(Our friend here lets you know in the beginning, but if you’nt lak cussin an vulgarity, click a HELL UP OFF THIS CHANNEL, BOYS.  Just so you know.)

YEW MUFUCKERS AIN’T SUPERIOR T’US YEW FUCKIN LOWER’DN US!  I’m just sayin sumin hap’nd whin yew fuckin Tigers come up inerr.  Iunow if one a yew bastards dunin gawt swane flew, wunna you fucknuts dun brawt wunnayur damn cra—Iunow what the FUCK happin.

Iunnow what the fuck happin, indeed.

And yes, this makes me like Alabama less by exactly ZERO.  In fact, that video makes me want to transfer RIGHT FUCKING NOW. 

Also, if you don’t want to watch that video, you may as well stop reading this now.  Mainly because if you don’t find that funny, than I will never seen eye to eye with you on anything, but also because you can expect a non-stop cavalcade of me throwing in random YEW MUFUCKERS KAYUN KISS A ROWL TAD FUCKIN ASS, and alike for the next few weeks.  It probably won’t help with my upcoming exams.  Oh well.

4. Do we really need a Heisman trophy, a Maxwell Award and a Walter Camp award?  I say no.  In fact, I say ‘of course not, and if you think differently, you are dead wrong because all three awards are the exact same thing.’  At least in Hockey, where there are two MVPs, at least one is voted on by the players.  All these are voted on by writers.  Is college football trying to solve debates about the English language (the difference between ‘most outstanding’-the Heisman, ‘player of the year’- WC, and ‘best’-Maxwell)?  I’m confused.  This is fucking stupid.

5.  This is the one week of the year that I would like to invite ESPN to talk about Brett Favre as much as they want.  Is the story any less abrasive and repetitive?  Of course not.  Did anything new happen?  Not as far as I know.  Am I finally warming up to Favre?  Fuck and no.  But like I said, they can talk about him as much as they want this week.  Why is that, you may ask?

Because I FUCKING LOVE watching him get lit up.  Hold on, I’m going to watch it right now.  BAM.  Blind side…didn’t see it coming.  You thought you stepped out of the rush, didn’t you, then POP.  Decleated.  That is beautiful. 

Sure, it probably makes me a bad person that I get so much pleasure out of his pain.  Sure, pretty much all of America probably felt pretty much the same way when Tony Romo was lying on the ground, looking like one of those silhouettes that gets outlined at a murder scene, but that was totally different, because (lip quivering, tears forming) that’s my fraternity brother.  That’s my quarterback.  Like I said, this was totally different.  I love it.  One more time.

(Steps back...CRACK.  He is off his feet.  God I am enjoying this.  Way too much.  One more time.  52 just SLAMs him to the ground.  And it was a pick.  Best.  Play.  Ever.)

6. The SEC Championship game, which was last Saturday, should bring me great joy.  After all it is a one game playoff to determine the winner of the best conference in college football.  But all it did was make me sad. 

Sure, the Auburn-South Carolina matchup was well below the level of excitement brought by the back to back Alabama-Florida ‘TimTebowMightCryIfWe’reLucky-athons.’  Yeah, it sucked that the game was pretty much over after USC couldn’t JUST KNOCK THE GD BALL DOWN on the hail mary before half, and yeah, it was a bummer that Drew Magary summed it up perfectly tweeting that “Watching Auburn win that game was like watching a kickoff return TD with a FLAG graphic up for the last 80 yards.”  But none of that was what made me sad.

The thing that made me sad was that now the SEC is gone.  CBS is going to show basketball games and crap like that on Saturday Afternoons, but WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!  Watch a movie?  Study?  Actually pay attention to real life?  That sounds FUCKING TERRIBLE.  The SEC is so much better than real life.  And now it is gone.  What the fuck, it feels like it just got here.

7. Since I didn’t get this up in time for the Thursday night game, I figured that I may as well talk about the action from Thursday night.  The problem is, the game was pretty boring.  The Titans came back and made it a game, sure, but really, I was just disappointed that Manning was able to avoid continuing his people-pleasing streak of being terrible at football.  Damn him.  Also, ‘Cop Speed’ is the second best nickname in sports, just behind ‘Shatty Ice’ for Kevin Shattenkirk, which I made up.

8. Same idea as the SEC Championship game bit, but FUCK SATURDAYS WITH NO MAJOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL.  THIS IS HORSE SHIT.  I DEMAND A REFUND.  The Army-Navy game is fine, but it is mostly about the pageantry of the midshipmen and cadets in their coats and all of that stuff, with the snow and all.  Great theater, but let’s be honest, the football sucks.  And don’t try to tell me anything along the lines of ‘at least we have the Heisman presentation.’  The Heisman presentation is the tony awards with football players.  Gay.  The only thing worth watching for is when the kid (Newton this year) makes his speech, and all of the middle-aged-to-old black dudes like Earl Campbell and Marcus Allan and shit are standing behind him going ‘it’s okay.  Take your time baby.  Take your time.’  High comedy.  That’s totally what she said.

And it is a sign of the time of year.  This isn’t a one week hiatus.  It is really gone.  God, it is like a void has been opened.  Bowl week is fine, but I am actually having a personal crisis right now.  I can’t just waste time with shit like ‘friends,’ ‘family,’ ‘work,’ or ‘school,’ on Saturday.  And don’t even try to step in, NFL.  It’s just not the same.  I NEED MY COLLEGE FOOTBALL!  Now I am going to wake up every Saturday, and have nothing to do.  I mean that is the case anyways, but at least now I can not get anything done while I watch Troy play Southern Miss on Thursday night, or be worthless while I hang on every play of Rutgers and UVA on Saturdays.  That’s WAY better.

9. One more from the ‘Yeah I probably should have posted this before it even came up but I may as well talk about it since I didn’t file:

If you haven’t, you need to see the video of the Metrodome collapsing.  Holy dayaftertomorrow.  That looked like a bad special effect.  God that is going to be a nightmare to clean up.  And the logistics of moving home games are a nightmare.  Refunds, redoing seating charts…that takes months.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 University of Minnesota Vikings.  Enjoy playing games outside in a Minnesota January, Brett.  Serves you right, prick. 

(For what it’s worth, they are moving today’s game to Detroit and they say that they can have it fixed for the Vikings next home game.  The problem is, their next home game is next Monday night, not oh, say, four months from now, so yeah…I’m not buying it.)

10.  At the gym yesterday, I walked up to the bike that I usually ride to warm up, and saw that the TV in front of it was on TNT.  Usually, this would have meant that we were watching an NBA game that I wasn’t interested in, or some crappy Law and Order rerun (or whatever it is that TNT shows.  Suffice to say I wouldn’t be interested.  Then it came back from commercials, and I saw what was on.

300.

Fuck.  And.  Yes.

Dude I am so down to watch some Spartans FUCK SHIT UP right now.  This is totally conducive to the attitude that I want this workout to take on.  I am going to bench press 350 pounds.  Fuck that.  350 pound dumbbells.  I love that movie.  Gets me totally amped.  When we played San Jose State, they played the dude yelling THIS IS SPAAAAARRRRTTTAAAAAA, right before the game.  It was badass.  First and only time I have ever been jealous of anything related to San Jose State.  Watch a trailer, and then try not to be overcome with adrenaline.  I don’t think you can do it. 

Tell me you don't want to go find some Persians and fuck shit up right now. 


Anyways, I was there for like 30 seconds before some ass comes over and changes it to a college basketball game that I could not possibly give a shit about, and that was on the other TV, maybe 20 feet away.  I wanted to lunge 30 feet through the air and drive a spear through his skull, and I’m pretty sure that it would have been considered ‘justifiable homicide.’

Anyways, 300 is badass.

LINKS

Since I’m there are no more college games to pick, I’m not going to bother trying to get 10 anymore.  To make up for it, I’ll throw in some links at the end (in addition to the Drew Magary, Bill Simmons and whatever else that I have been doing.).

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Florida Starbucks Cups.  Only fucking Florida.

Drew Magary link of the Week-  A nice piece on the virtues of Rudolph (e has conflicting feelings about Charlie Brown)

It is pathetic that this is as close as we come to a CFB playoff, but it is.

Sorry to mix in so much hockey this week, but If you like the sport even a little bit, and even if you don’t, Don Cherry should be must watch every week. 

Most of this stuff is obnoxious, misogynistic, inappropriate, vulgar and obnoxious again.  In other words, it is hilarious and I love it.

For example. 

Real Quick, Gambling:

Cowboys (+3) over Eagles

Pats (-3) over Bears

Giants (-3) over Vikings

Ravens (-3) over Texans

Chargers (-7) over Cheifs


(UPDATE:  Adding the 'angry white guys' label.  How could I not give our friend megaskeet420 up there the Angry White Guys tag.  That one's on me.)

Nit Picks: Fighting Through

Busy this week…let’s get right after it.  I am typing this before I really get going, and I’m just going to kind of roll with it, but I don’t feel any obligation to get to 10 this week, so I probably won’t.  Shorter? Yes.  Sweeter?  You be the judge.

1. This is going to come as a surprise to regular readers of this blog, but there is something that the football media has latched on to that I think is absolutely moronic. 

Shocking.  I know. 

Anyways, this week it is the whole Derek Anderson ‘smilegate’ that is insane.  For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the ‘scandal,’ essentially, Anderson was seen by the MNF cameras, laughing at something on the sideline while the Cards were getting crushed by the Niners on Monday night.  A couple of people latched on to this, and Anderson was asked about it in the post game press conference, leading to an absolutely fantastic meltdown at the podium. 

Now, first things first:  I am absolutely in favor of anything, anything, that could lead to a potential ‘PLAYOFFS!?’, ‘THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE,’ or ‘PRACTICTE?’ moment.  These things are, as far as I am concerned, the height of comedy.  THOSE COORS LIGHT ADS AND DJ STEVE PORTER CLIPS AREN’T GOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES DAMMIT.  That aspect of the whole situation, I am in full support of.  (And for the record, I don’t think less of Anderson for it.  I would have a meltdown like that every two weeks if I was in the NFL.  Reporters, I’m sure, would openly try to bate me into it, and they would be right to.  I throw a temper tantrum and go on a 5 minute monologue when my housemates get the kitchen dirty for fuck sakes, which is ridiculous, but on the other hand THERE WAS NO NEED TO LEAVE THAT BOWL IN THE SINK, MATT.  THE FUCKING DISHWASHER IS RIGHT THERE.  AND CLEAN THE GODDAMN SKILLET.  WERE YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN?  I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.  THIS IS INSANE.  THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE EVER.  HAS TO BE.  NOT EVEN JOKING.)

The criticism, though, both from John Gruden during the telecast and from those in the press conference after the game is downright nonsensical.  It represents a lack of understanding of basic human psychology, oblivion towards the nature of competitive spirit, and a general shortage of anything to say or ask about that may have value. 

Obviously, playing college and high school hockey haven’t taught me absolutely everything that there is to know about being an NFL quarterback.  Still, I know what it is like to play competitive sports.  I also happen to be that guy, a little bit when it comes to competing.

There are plenty of things I could be accused of as an athlete (including but not limited to undersized, inconsistent, and white), but uninterested, or not competitive enough are not among them.  When things aren’t going my way, when the team is losing, it fucks up my day.  I can become a dick.  I get pissed.  I want to punish myself, if I think that I could have been better.  I don’t want to talk to people if it isn’t about how we can turn it around.  Nothing else matters, and it pisses me off when others don’t share my anger.  Sometimes, I take it too far.  I have throw things, punched things, and yelled at teammates (the team as a whole, I would never single a guy out).  I hate losing at anything, and when it is something that I care about, like hockey for me, or like football for Derek Anderson, it will absolutely destroy your mood.

Having said that, I can’t count the number of times that I have laughed during times like these even though I was pissed off.  Believe me it isn’t because you don’t care, or because you don’t take it seriously.  Losing and anger, not so much on the field, but definitely in the locker room and on the sidelines, creates tension.  Even if you have never played a sport in your life, you can relate to the fact that tension usually leads to tension being broken.  What breaks tension?  Funny shit.  What do you do when you see funny shit?  You laugh. 

It comes down to one thing.  These guys had nothing to say, so they decided to go with this.  I actually blame Gruden more than the guy who incited the press conference rant.  The issue had been raised by the post game, and the guy needed something to talk about.  The reason Gruden is in the booth, on the other hand, is because he was an NFL head coach, and presumably can think of something insightful to say about the game, and he doesn’t have to bang on about unrelated or in this case, untrue crap.  Of course, that is exactly what they do 99% of the time, but that doesn’t make it any more forgivable. 

Then again, John Gruden wouldn’t understand because he doesn’t have human emotions, and the dudes asking at the presser were probably jaded douches looking for anything to make a guy that they are jealous of look bad, so I guess it is kind of understandable.  Still, though, fucking stupid.

Random Stuff  OF THE WEEK

2. Drew Magary link of the Week- The Haters Guide to Taylor Swift

Magary is awesome; I am clearly on record about that, but COUNTERPOINT MOTHERFUCKER:

How could you, Drew?  How could you.  Attack America’s sweetheart like that?  Why Taylor?  Sure, you feel like you have had her shoved down your throat the last few months, or perhaps years, but think about it.  


It could be so much worse. 

It could be Katy Perry.  Or Lady Gaga.  Or Beyonce (it kind of is).  Or just about anyone else.  At least Tay-Swizz, as my teenage sister calls her (shit…that probably isn’t helping my point), has some level of musical virtuosity.  Her producers do, anyways. 

And frankly, I don’t care if that is the case, or if it is actually her.  I’m not trying to hire her as a fucking minstrel or anything.  I download her shit off of iTunes and it sounds sick.  That’s good enough.  I could give a fuck if it was made by the cute girl on the cover or by a 200 hour editing session in some studio.  I’m perfectly happy living with the illusion if need be. 

You also referred to it as ‘training bra music,’ to which I say…shit, you probably have a point there.  Let’s move on. 

Lyrically, you broke down the implausibility of the song You Belong With Me. You said that “This woman is a fucking ROCK STAR and a millionaire. She's, like, ninety stages above the cheer captain. Cheer captains are fucking special ed students compared to her. And she never wears fucking t-shirts. She wears $10,000 Halston gowns and all kinds of other sparkly shit.”  Hat off.  That was hilarious.  I laughed out loud, no joke.  But there are a couple of problems.  The notion that the songs might (GASP!) not be based in reality is something that I just might be able to get over.  Again, I am pretty fucking happy to live with the illusion, thanks.  And how many songs actually are true stories?  1 in 100?  1 in 1000?  Fucking none?  I’m leaning towards the third option.  You mean that Kenny Rodgers didn’t actually sit next to a gambler on a train?  What CAN I believe in?

There is another problem with that.  That song SUCKS.  It may actually be one of her worst songs.  Blame the demented masses for shoving that B-side piece of shit down our throats.  Have you ever heard Love Story?  It is AWESOME.  I’m not saying that Whit Horse changed the way I thought about love, but I wouldn’t deny it if someone else suggested it.  The Way I Loved You is 5000 times better than You Belong With Me.  The first time I heard Enchanted I fucking CRIED (not really, but still).  When my buddy said that Dear John made him angry at John Mayer I laughed and called him a pussy.  Then I listened to the song.  I wanted to go to Fairfield, CT and KICK HIS FUCKING ASS (HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HOW COULD YOU HURT HER?  SHE WAS JUST A GIRL YOU EVIL FUCK!).  Saying that Swift sucks because you don’t like You Belong With Me is like saying the SEC sucks because you saw a Vanderbilt game and were unimpressed. 

3. TEACHER QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

‘so the ghetto blaster was a very important technological innovation.’

She really said that.  I have nothing to add.

4. BILL SIMMONS LINK OF THE WEEK

The Color Purple

I have to admit, I really enjoyed this column about Bill Simmons’s 5 year old daughter and the NBA.  Shut up.

5. REASON AMERICA KICKS ASS OF THE WEEK

We hunt on full stomachs.  ‘Nuff said.

6. On Sunday, I gave what I considered to be a pretty reasoned recap of where I stood with College Football and the Boise State Broncos.  I tried to keep the anger and bitterness that could easily have found their way into the account out of it, and I think that I was largely able to do that.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

Anyways, here is all of the hate filled, angry and mean diatribe that I really wanted to post immediately, but held off on in favor of actually writing something that didn’t prominently involve the Caps Lock button.

First of all, and most importantly, I need to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me since Friday. 

(clearing throat.)  (brace yourselves)

THE KICK WAS GOOD!  IT WAS FUCKING GOOD.  I SWEAR TO GOD.  IT WENT IN.  LOOK AT THE VIDEO.  I’LL EVEN EMBED IT.  IM WAITING, JUST WATCH.

FUCKINGDAMNITI’MGOINGTOKILLEVERYONEBECUASEITWASFUCKINGINHOWCOULDYOUPOSSIBLYMISSTHATWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK! (breaks something)  There is even scientific proof!  Here! 

Sure, it actually isn’t all that scientific and relies entirely on where he decided to say it hit, knowing if that would make it good or not, BUT HE TOTALLY GOT IT RIGHT!  This isn’t play anger, like I usually spew here.  This is actual, we got screwed the fuck over, vindictive rage.  Seriously, go fuck yourself you fucking blind shit back judge who called it no good.  I have no idea what the fuck you were looking at.  Also, go fuck yourself, University of Nevada-Reno for being a cheap, second rate, Mickey Mouse BS program that can’t even afford REAL FUCKING GOALPOSTS THAT WOULD HAVE FUCKING SOLVED THIS PROBLEM (you assholes totally knew that it would come into play and seal the biggest win in your programs history).  And finally, what the fuck, college football, for not making this a reviewable play.  Even baseball can review similar plays, with home runs, and they both act like it is and would prefer that it was fucking 1884. 

That was, obviously, the most egregious mistake, but there were others.  With a couple of minutes left, I even told the room at large that I didn’t even care if we won anymore.  The game had been rendered completely meaningless, in my opinion, because the officiating had been so bad. It was, at that point, a crapshoot.  Losing was worthless.  Winning was equally meaningless.

Sure, I was just pissed off and being childish, but the refs did suck the whole game.  The most obvious example was the phantom kick catch interference call where the Nevada returner heard Doug Martin coming to LIGHT HIM THE EFF UP, realized he was an imbecile for not calling fair catch with a former linebacker turned beast running back bearing down on him, and made up for it by not catching the ball, about a half second before Martin lit him up anyways.  This was somehow ‘before or simultaneous to’ his catching of the ball, which, again, never really took place because he is a pansy. 

That changed the whole game.  It went from being Boise’s ball in Nevada territory, to being Nevada’s at midfield.  Our defense had needed the rest badly.  It was also followed by a few phantom 15 yard penalties, including two PIs, even though I’m pretty sure Nevada’s secondary actually wrestled Titus Young to the ground, duct taped his mouth and tied his hands to his feet behind his back while he tried to catch a 15 yard crossing pattern at one point with no flag.

Not that I’m bitter.

(For the record, that was me trying to control myself.  Really, I would have been happy with a long string of profanities and mean spirited jokes about how shitty Reno is and how bad a school UNRcc is.)

7. Now I’m pissed off.  This would be a good time to mention that I can’t even give a shit about the Cowboys anymore.  It was nice that they almost mounted a comeback on Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t bring myself to be mad when they fell short.  God, this has been an awesome sports year.  Sox were done by mid-July.  Cowboys were done by the start of November.  Boise State broke my GD heart.  I swear, the Sharks are probably going to miss the playoffs, and the Warriors are…just kidding I don’t give a shit about the NBA.

8.  MUSIC RANT OF THE WEEK (Now with 100% more football!)

Hey, University of Alabama,

We have a pretty good relationship.  You are fratty and preppy as hell.  I like that.  You care way too much about football.  I like that.  Nick Saban is the highest paid state employee.  I acknowledge this is kind of fucked up but HOW MANY NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS HAS GOVERNER RILEY WON?  ZERO.  THAT’S HOW MANY.  So I like that.  My sister wants to look at you.  I’m for it.  Law school in Tuscaloosa?  I could see it.

But you fucked up.  You fired the kid who played the songs taunting Cam Newton in warm-ups of the Iron Bowl.  You meant to promote him.  Promote.  Not fire.  Not sure how you crossed those two up. 

I mean come on.  It is the Iron Bowl for christsake.  It is like half a step behind full on international warfare.  I have been to Bama for Thanksgiving.  This shit divides families.  You can’t talk a little trash over the loud speakers before the game?  I, for one, think that you earned that right when you got 80,000 fucking people to come to a spring scrimmage. 

Then there are the songs themselves.  One of them was Son of a Preacher Man, by Dusty Springfield (because Newton’s father, the accused, is a minister).  That song is fucking awesome.  I’m listening to it right now.  Hear that beat?  Then he’d look into my eyes.  Lord Knows to my surprise…My head is bobbing.  Involuntarily.  Only one who could ever reach me… I am in the library.  People are staring at me.  I don’t care.  The only one, who could ever teach me… I might start singing. This is a great song.  How can you punish him for playing that? WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN!

(and no, stoners, and most people under about 40, that isn't the intro from Hits from the Bong.  Cypress Hill stole that shit.)


The other one was Take the Money and Run by Steve Miller Band (for obvious reasons).  Again, a good song.  Not as good as Preacher Man (LOVE that song), but still, pretty solid.  Besides, that is FUCKING HILARIOUS. 

So, yeah, I won’t stay mad long Alabama, but you really should have promoted that guy.

9. The Bronco Nation Loves Kyle Brotzman

The dude is the program’s leading scorer.  He won the Fiesta Bowl last year.  The team never should have been in that position. 

GAMBLING? Gambling.

I am at like 2500 words…making this short and sweet:

Philadelphia Eagles (-8) over Houston Texans

Minnesota Vikings (-5.5) over Buffalo Bills

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Indianapolis Colts (-5) over Dallas Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (+3) over Baltimore Ravens

USC (-6) over UCLA

Nevada (-8) over LA Tech

Boise State (-37.5) over Utah State

South Carolina (+5.5) over Auburn

Nit Picks: Rankings

It’s rankings time!  I’m only going to do top 10, though, because no one actually gives a shit if you have South Carolina over Texas A&M for the coveted 17 spot, even if that could totally be the difference between the Kragen Auto Parts Pensacola Bowl or the American Van Lines Long Haul Trucking Bowl or whatever.  The college football postseason is so dumb.  God.

(Stewing)

Anyways, let’s keep it to 10, but why stop at college?

1. College Football Rankings

1. Boise State- Come on.  They are number one.  They just are.  They do whatever they want on the field.  They don’t make mistakes.  Their defense is stifling.  Their offense is unstoppable.  They are the best team in the nation.  There is no doubt about it, schedule be damned.

2. Auburn- They are the best team in the SEC, which should get them into the National Championship game.  Sure, I have every intention of seeing them get completely exposed this weekend, but for now that is good enough for number 2.

3. Oregon- Their offense is a juggernaut, but I am entirely unimpressed with the Pac-10.  Stanford is good, Oregon is good, and Arizona might be good I guess.  But no one else is even a little bit imposing this year.

4. TCU- ANDY DAULTON SUCKS.  I don’t know, I have nothing rational to say about these purple mothe-…you get the idea.  I hate them.

5. Stanford- I could just copy and paste the sentences above.  I refuse to say anything positive about Stanford.  I played them in hockey, lit a kid up, and he said I was ‘just mad because I couldn’t get into Stanford.’  That’s not true at all.  I didn’t want to go to Stanford.  I looked at Stanford and hated Stanford.  I was mad because I didn’t get into Northwestern or Dartmouth.  So there.

6. Wisconsin

7. LSU- Somehow they are quietly at only one loss in the SEC.  I don’t think that the conference is all that strong this year, at least compared to the last few, but that still seems odd.

8. Michigan State- There are three big-10 teams that deserve to be in the top 10.  I am speechless. 

9. Ohio State- Despite their president, who, to a man, everyone seems to agree is a moron.  Good work dude.

10. Alabama- Still the most talented team in the nation.  Somehow, this information is erroneous. 

2. Power Rankings

1. Nuclear- Efficient and clean.  Really, it should be our number one source at this point.  I blame The Simpsons for giving it a bad name, and also the whole Chernobyl mess, which is admittedly something to be avoided.

2. Solar- According to no lesser source than Wikipedia, the Sun is approximately 149600000 KM from the earth (that’s the mean distance, our orbit is elliptical).  Since my only functional measure of distance is the number of hours it takes to drive somewhere, I have no idea how far that is.  Sounds like a long way though.  Still, with a well placed solar grid, I’m told that this is a viable energy source.  Sounds crazy, but what do I know.

3. Lithium Batteries- Lithium is fucking awesome.  I love my cell phone battery, and my Ipod, and my laptop.  Can you imagine if we still had to break out fucking Duracells for that shit?  That would be fucking terrible.  Also, did you know that if you had $1,000,000 to invest in 1981, the best thing to spend it on wouldn’t be Microsoft, or waiting for Google, or even oil.  The biggest return you could get over those 30 years would be if you were to buy shares in lithium.  The stuff was useless back then, now it is one of the most important substances on earth.  You probably didn’t know that, since I just made it up, but it seems to make sense, no?

4. Hydroelectric- We have plenty of salt water which is more or less useless if you happen to not be a fish, we may as well use it for something, right? 

5. Fossil Fuels- Sure, oil gets a bad rap, and we think about it as expensive, but when you think about it, a gallon of it costs less than a gallon of milk, and will make the standard car run for 20-30 miles.  That’s pretty damn impressive if you ask me.  So to the alarmists talking about how we’re going to run out of oil soon, I say this, yeah, but chances are we’ll be dead by then so who cares?  Seriously.  If we can make it to 2120 or so (I’m giving myself plenty of breathing room) with oil, I’m good.  Let my children’s children worry about hydrogen fuel cells and other confusing shit like that. 

6. Wind- Kind of badass if you think about it.  I mean we can take moving air and turn that into Xbox and TV and lights and so on and so forth.  Really though, those windmills look weird as hell, and they aren’t very efficient, so wind power is dropped to the second half of the power rankings.

7. Black Power- Kind of dated but holding on. 

8. Power House- Where I live…relegated to 8 because it is a dump and we have a shitty landlord.  But other than that it’s great!

9. Coal- The worst of the mass-produced powers.  I’m not a hard core environmentalist or anything, but this shit kills the areas that it comes from, is dirty to produce power with, and isn’t even that effective.  Great for barbecuing, not great for powering cities’ grids.  On the other hand, I’m pretty sure the Chilean miners were mining coal, and that turned out to be a great story.  Sure, they might not think that being trapped underground for more than a month was worth it, but who didn’t enjoy watching them come out and then play soccer against the guards of the Nazi prison (wait, it was the relief workers…the Nazis was the movie Victory).  That’s just basic utilitarianism. 

10. Copper Batteries- I think it is time to get these out of our lives entirely, no?  I don’t want to evoke the old ‘it’s 2010 and…’ but seriously, I thought that those annoying little cylinders would be a thing of the past by now.  But alas, I still have to deal with them for shit like my remote control and Xbox controllers.  Come on science, I need a little more effort out of you on this one. 

3. NFL Power Rankings

1. New England- THE FAHKIN PATS AHH BACK BABY!  WELKAH!  DANNY FAHKIN WOODHEAD!  TAWMY BRADY!  (dion branch), (ben jarvis green ellis)…you get the idea

2. Atlanta- Just like I predicted before the year, who’s with me!

3. Philadelphia- Turns out they were right to get rid of McNabb.  Who knew that Kolb could carry them this far?

4. New York Jets- I need more Rex Ryan in my life.  I have Hard Knocks Withdrawals every time the Jets are mentioned. 

5. Green Bay- I have

6. Pittsburgh- Nothing to

7. New Orleans- Say about

8. Baltimore- these

9. Chicago- teams.

10. Tampa Bay- Wait what?  Fuck me I really just put the Bucks in the top 10, didn’t I?  Whatever, I’ll stand by it.  Hard to argue with 7-3.

4. Ranking Rankings

1-4. Mine- This should be obvious.

5. AP- Boise will almost certainly be the number 2 team after Auburn gets messed up by the Tide on Friday, so we’re cool here.

6. USA Today- Gets the slight nod over…

7.Harris Poll- Because the Harris Poll has the gap between Boise and TCU a little bit larger than the USA today.

8. ESPN NFL Power Rankings- Why not right?

9. SI NFL Power Rankings- Ditto.

10. BCS Rankings- I guess with Boise poised to pass TCU with a Nevada win, and even move into contention if Auburn or Oregon slip up, I can’t complain too much, but the rankings are a representation of the system as a whole, and therefore should never be any higher than this. 

2687210915. The ‘JS’ Computer Rankings- They got straightened out a little bit this week, but in week 12, these rankings bore absolutely zero resemblance to the rest of the polls.  They had Stanford at 3, and Boise at 12.  Arkansas and Missouri were top 10 teams.  Wisconsin and Ohio State weren’t.  On top of that, they evened out with the rest of the polls enough this week that that even though nothing really happened last weekend, they bear almost no resemblance to the week before.  Do you know what that says about these rankings?  That they value different stuff?  That they are a different philosophy?  No.   IT MEANS THAT THEY ARE FUCKING WRONG!  That’s all caps and italics.  That’s how wrong they are.

5. Reason America Kicks Ass of the Week (Which actually is tangentially related to football)

Uh…Thanksgiving…obviously. 

Now, pretty much any of the reasons why America Kicks Ass, along with a million other things, could be categorized as ‘why the terrorists hate us.’  But Thanksgiving is a pretty damn good reason.  The entire point of the holiday is to eat as much as we possibly can and then watch football, all while reflecting upon how fucking awesome we have it.  Gluttony and excess aren’t a byproduct of Thanksgiving, they are the entire point.  Now, some might counter that by saying that the real point isn’t to stuff yourself with turkey and potatoes and delicious, delicious gravy.  All over everything.  With the cranberry mixed in, kind of bordering the gravy so that they get mixed a little bit, but not enough to clash.  And the lightest softest bread imaginable on the side.  Just soaking up the goodness of the plate.  What were we talking about?  Oh yeah.  Some might say that isn’t the point.  Aside from being wrong, though, they are missing the fact that really, the fact that we take an entire day to think about what we are thankful for means we have enough that we could pretty much be described as excessive and gluttonous.

And that is freaking awesome.

(Postscript from this year’s edition- everyone forgets this every year, but after overeating the turkey, potatoes, stuffing pie etc, everyone is moody and tired and just wants to lie around.  Usually, this wouldn’t bother me, since that pretty much sums up my day to day life.  The problem is, I eat like a goddamn glutton every day, so I am much less bothered by the pounds upon pounds of food weighing me down.  Sure, I go a little harder than normal on Thanksgiving, but I am no worse for wear.  So after dinner, everyone wanted to be left alone to sit there and try to consciously speed up the digestion process, whereas I was ready to go.  Annoying to say the least.)

6. (Lifted from my own facebook status, but…sue me I guess)

The Cowboys should take the interim tag off of Jason Garrett as head coach based on his red flag throwing ability alone.  Sure, he is 2 and 0 on challenges as I type this in the first half of the Dallas-New Orleans game, but that is entirely beside the point.  I’m talking about his form in actually, physically throwing the challenge flag on to the field.  It is impeccable.  If I knew how to download something off of my DVR I would show you, but that sounds like a lot of work so you will have to take my word for it.  Step, clear out with the play card, turn the shoulders, release and follow through.  It is beautiful, I’m telling you.

7. Did I mention I hate rooting for teams that aren’t Boise State?  Because I hate it.  Glad that’s clear.

8. I’m not feeling that ranty right now (blame tryptophan), so the music rant of the week is going on hiatus for Thanksgiving.  Sorry.  Instead, here are two absolutely insane videos of Paul McCartney that will make you feel worthless and talentless.  Enjoy.

9.  This is the best four day weekend of the year as a football fan.  It really is.  We go from Thursday all the way through to Sunday with a schedule chocked full of legitimately meaningful games.  This year is no exception, and if anything, is even better than usual.

Thursday, the NFL games.  Friday, an orgy of BCS implications.  Saturday, as good as most Saturdays, then NFL on Sunday.  Unreal.  Then we have the worst Monday night game of the year with the Niners and Cardinals, but I’m not even mad.  I’ll be worn out by then anyways.

10. So, last week I was 8-1.  What’s that?  High school game?  Yes.  I know that one was a high school game, but A WIN IS A WIN DAMMIT!  So what if I made up the line?  I could have made it a pick ‘em.  Or favored Suffield by 25.  I’m counting it.  Anyways, we are being distracted from the issue at hand.  Which is that I was 8-1 last weekend and that makes me awesome.  I am holding everyone at UC-Berkeley personally responsible for fucking up my perfect weekend. 

GAMBLING

Way too many good games to cherry pick games that I can win this week.  I’m sticking to the big boys this time.  God I’m pumped.

Alabama (-4.5) over Auburn

The Iron Bowl may, in fact, be the best thing in the world.  True story.  The entire state goes absolutely apeshit.  That’s something that I can get behind.  Anyways, Alabama is better, and Auburn’s defense is pours.  Make it 3 in a row for the Tide.

Arizona (+20) over Oregon

HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A HOMER!  I SWEAR IT IS COMPLETELY ABOVE THE BOARD THAT I AM PICKING AGAINST THE TWO TEAMS ABOVE BOISE!  Anyways, I actually think that Oregon wins this game, but 20 is a lot.  Zona isn’t bad and Oregon looked a bit venerable against a brutal Cal team.

Boise State (-15.5) over Nevada

Obviously…

Michigan (+550) over Ohio State

Upset pick of the week.  It was really tempting to take the 16.5 and pocket a W, but I’m going all in with this.  Boom.

Oklahoma (+125) over Oklahoma State

Should be a pick ‘em.  Gimme odds.

Titans (+240) over Texans

The Texans have been a train wreck for the last five weeks. Those are huge odds.

Eagles (-3) over Bears

No way I am betting against Vick right now.

Packers (+1.5) over Falcons

The birds have been good, but I think that the Packers are going to pull back the love a bit this week.

Drew Magary link of the week

I’m out of juice.  This is way late already.  Here’s Magary’s thanksgiving jamboroo.  Happy holidays.

http://deadspin.com/324988/jamboroo-week-12-a-special-comprehensive-breakdown-of-thanksgiving-from-an-experienced-fat-person

Nit Picks: Catharsis Edition

1. BCS defenders need to shut up.  The system is flat out fucked up.  The most compelling reason that I have heard in its defense is that in college football, the regular season is relevant.  This is a good thing.  I want my team’s games to mean something, and in the BCS system they certainly do.  There is a problem, though.  The BCS makes the college football regular season too relevant.

Like Bill Cowher, this weeks NitPicks
isn't short on anger

Allow me to explain.  I am a Boise State fan (although I have tried desperately to always be objective and never allow that to show here.  Mission accomplished!).  That means I want to root for Boise State.  That means that I want to take an interest in Boise State’s games.  Again, I do.  This is good.  This past weekend was a microism of why it is too relevant, though. 

Boise played Idaho, but the Vandals were the least of my concerns.  Instead, the teams that I was worried about were TCU, Auburn and Oregon.  They were the enemies of the weekend (once again).  Rather than spending the week looking at Boise’s matchups against Idaho, I was left breaking down San Diego State’s chances to move the ball against TCU, Cal’s chances of stopping the Ducks and Georgia’s upset bid against the Auburn Trojans-er…I mean Tigers. 

Sounds great, right?  Four games, not just one, to care about.  It isn’t.  I am completely over this.  I am a Boise State fan.  I want to root for Boise State.  I don’t give a shit about San Diego State.  I have no affiliation with Georgia.  I actually dislike Cal.  Yet every week, I am shoved into a position of becoming a fan for a week, just hoping for the necessary chaos at the top of the polls.  Sure, this happens in all sports with division rivals, but in college football it is freaking constant.  I want to root for my team.  That should be enough.  For a mid-major, though, it never will be, and that sucks. 

2. Our. Long. National. Nightmare. Is. Over. 

He is gone.  It was about four weeks too late, but Wade Phillips was finally pushed out as the ‘coach’ (term used loosely) of the Dallas Cowboys.  Thank you, Jerrah, for being the sleezy oilman that you are and going back on your word.  I knew you had it in yah.  Please continue to be a terrible human being as long as it helps the Dallas Cowboys.

Really, though, Jones just signed the papers.  I mean, what choice did he have?  Phillips was done.  There is just no coming back from a 1-7 start, a lethargic looking team and a punctuating 35-7 stomping on Sunday night by Green Bay.  Jones wouldn’t have been doing Phillips and favors by keeping him around (it was well past inevitable that he was gone at some point), and no one would have won by letting him twist in the wind as a lame duck. 

Now, the team gets to move on, Phillips gets to move on, and we get to find out that Jason Garrett is actually not the coaching prodigy that he was made out to be (what’s that?  We beat the Giants?  GARRETT FOR PRESIDENT!  SUPER BOWL STILL IN SITES!).

3. By the same token, the Vikings can’t possibly think that they are dong Brad Childress a favor by keeping him around, can they?  I mean, everyone with internet access or anything beyond ntwork television and a passing interest in the NFL knows that he is a terrible coach.  I mean they know it.  For a fact.  It is one thing to be in charge of a disappointing team, to the point that everyone kind of expects you to get axed, but that isn’t even the case.  It seems to be a 99% consensus that Brad Childress is terrible at his job.  One more time:  Not that he is not getting results, but that he sucks.  There is a different story every day damming this guy.  So how is he still there?

The answer, to me, is apparent.  Revenge.  Sweet, brutal revenge.  Sure, the Vikings could let Childress go, but the fact is, at this point, that Brett Favre is delightfully terrible, their receivers are hurt, and it is too late to put in an offense that actually utilizes the best running back in the league (besides, that just wouldn’t make sense!).  So what happens if Childress is let go?  He escapes, and the Vikings still are a mess.  It is pretty clear that Chilly still has his job mostly out of spite.  He is begging for the sweet release of the unemployment line.  But the Vikings won’t give it to him.  Instead, he gets to wake up every morning, read how bad he is at his job, go to work, see how bad he is at his job, get ignored by players who hate him, go home, watch TV and see people who were recently fired, or else couldn’t get jobs coaching, point out that he should be fired, go to bed for 4 hours, then wake up and do it again.  Also he has to deal with the shitstorm  surrounding the world's greatest sexter.  
That is way worse than a cushy job on CBS or something.  You are diabolical, Minnesota.

4. Rant that has nothing to do with anything of the week:

Facebook is inviting me to ‘see friendship.’  I’m pretty sure that this is just the replacement for ‘wall to wall,’ maybe with comments or something, but still.  It just says ‘see friendship.’  I’m intrigued.  I mean, you never know.  Maybe it is actually going to give me the ability to see friendship.  Like a virtual drug, which Facebook basically is anyway. 

Really, this little link just begs questions.  What does friendship look like (It is probably colorful.  It has to be colorful, right?)  Can Facebook help me see other abstract nouns?  I want to see humor.  And love.  And anger.  I bet anger would look badass.  Do I just get to see it once, like a fleeting glimpse, or will Mark Zuckerberg come to my house and bestow me with a sixth sense?  Probably not, that would be expensive.  But maybe. 

/clicks link

Yeah, it was just a page that they made with all the crap involving both people.  Like a glorified wall-to-wall.  This is guaranteed to make me feel creepy anytime I click on it, which will mostly be on accident, because this page is worthless, and does not bestow me with any extrasensory abilities.  Thanks a lot facebook.  You owe me a sixth sense.

5. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR GIVING DONOVAN MCFUCKINGNAB 78 million dollars and a contract stretching to he is 39, which is like 48 in Donovan years.  I mean he has broken his leg twice, but who is to say that he won’t play well past the age where most quarterbacks (especially ones who depend on athleticism in their prime) are moving towards television (just kidding, the ones who rely on athleticism don’t get jobs in TV).  The karma gods don’t always show up in sports (read: Perry, Corey, Stanley Cup champion and gold medalist), but they did this time, punishing the beltwayers for the latest Dan Snyder special (a cousin of hockey’s Glen Sather special).

As for the Monday night game, which made Dick LeBeau cry, I’m sure, that was just plain fun to watch.  There might be better quarterbacks in the NFL than Mike Vick, but there aren’t any that are more fun to watch.  Who knew that Bad Newz Kennelz to MeSean would be the most electric hook up in the league, or that defenses would be drowned out by it (puns intended…I’m going to hell). 

6. CATHARSIS TIME:

I hate TCU.  I hate everything about you.  I hate that your quarterback is a ginger who looks like a royal douchebag.  I hate that you wear purple.  I hate that you know purple is a weak color and you try to disguise it and make it look like blue but I AM NOT FOOLED.  I know you are purple, and no amount of hue adjustment can hide it.  At least man up and own your super feminine color scheme.  You are so soft.  

Really, though, I just hate that you are clearly not as good a football team as Boise.  You are clearly inferior.  It isn’t even close.  Is there any way that Boise struggles with San Diego State like TCU did?  Of course not.  Boise won in a bowl game last year, and brought back freaking everyone.  TCU lost that game, then graduated their two impact players and now…what exactly?  They are better?  Give me a break.

7. Music Rant of the week:

Ok, I don’t want to get to serious here (god forbid), but Tuesday was actually a fairly momentous day in the world of music.  The most important band in the history of popular or rock and roll music, The Beatles (like them or not, their place as the most important is not debatable), finally joined the lexicon of what is now the most popular means of music acquisition and consumption.  Forty years after the band broke up, they dominated the entire front page of the iTunes music store, but that alone, while a testament to the enduring relevance of the band, is hardly the crux of the significance.  The significance is that the world has officially moved to legal, digital music. 

This movement has obviously been in the works for years, ever since iTunes made itself the most effective way of listening to music, which was when it came out.  In the past month or so, though, two things happened that cemented the pay for MP3 model’s legacy.  The first was this, a court order that mandated Lime Wire, the most effective means of file sharing, to be no more.  That won’t end the piracy era of music, but it will create precedent to shut down similar programs rather than just prosecuting the people sharing the music, which will be a major blow to free digital music. 

The Beatles coming to iTunes actually represents the last step towards a process that would have logically played out before the piracy battle, that being the transition that has happened many times before, with vinyl, records, cassettes, and CDs.  Music has, once more, finished changing formats.  With the Beatles officially in digital (obviously, plenty of people had uploaded their CDs, but being on iTunes makes it…I don’t know…official. 

The meaning is complex.  The Beatles are one of the only bands that really ‘matters.’  I don’t know what that means exactly, but I know it when I see it.  The Beatles matter.  Nirvana, as it happens, matters.  I think Eminem and Metallica might even matter.  It isn’t necessarily about virtuosity, or even popularity.  It comes down to the fact that you can’t tell the story of music without the Beatles.  Even if we didn’t notice it (I only did from time to time, at best), iTunes, the most complete digital collection of music, was incomplete without them.  It was a coming of age for the form of music that we have moved to as a society.

(Sorry, that wasn’t very ranty, and may have even bordered on coherent at times, but I really think that it is true, and worth pointing out.)

(One more, semi-related note:  Building on the theory from last week, that phenomenon of songs that don’t live up to their intro isn’t limited to super-saturated modern bands.  The intro on I Feel Fine, with the feedback into the opening riff, is awesome, but the rest of the song is run of the mill.  In fact, the chorus is actually the lacking part.)

(Okay, and one more one more, a bonus music rant:  I was listening to How to Save a Life by the Fray the other day, and checking Facebook while I should have been doing the homework that was due in a half hour.  Right as it came to  the chorus (‘where did I go wrong, I lost a friend’), I clicked on my own profile.  Glancing at it, I looked at the number of friends that I had.  It had been 598, but it was down to 597.  I had lost a friend.  I wasn’t even mad, that was hilarious.  So, to whoever dropped me as a friend, or else deleted your account, thank you.  Thank you for making life mirror art so perfectly.)

8. No one cares about your fantasy football team.  You can add that to your golf game, poker beats, travel hassles and NCAA brackets on the list of stuff that people love to complain about, but absolutely no one finds interesting.   You mean you had Jeremy Maclin on the bench, he had 3 points more than Owens and you lost by 2?  How can I possibly live in a world where that could happen?  A couple of years ago, I had DeSean Jackson when he dropped the ball crossing the goalline, and I was playing Brian Westbrook, so it was a 12 point swing.  When this happened, I realized two things.  One, was that it wasn’t that interesting.  Two was that if this wasn’t interesting, nothing would be.  Fantasy football (or hockey or baseball), is great.  Stories of tough losses just aren’t interesting, though. 

9. Actual Text Message I Sent of the Week:

“Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit about athletes getting paid, but Cam Newton should be suspended, because fuck Auburn, that’s why.”

Now, there are multiple levels to this text, which I sent to my brother, former roommate and buddy from high school on Saturday afternoon, as I was frustratingly watching Georgia implode against the Tigers (see rant 1). 

The first thing is my actual opinion on the whole Cam Newton affair.  As someone in college that doesn’t get a scholarship, I find it laughable that guys who get full scholarships to play ball are somehow indentured servants or whatever the alarmist morons say when they try to make the case that college athletes need to get paid.  A free college degree is no laughing matter, and a lot of these kids wouldn’t have had the chance to attend school if not for these scholarships, so that argument seems dumb.  On the other hand, I don’t have any glorious romantic illusions of amateurism either.  Being broke in school sucks.  If there are rich boosters out there offering you free shit or cash, and you come from a poor home, I have no problem with anyone taking it (even if you don’t come from a poor home, actually). 

It isn’t even so much that these kids make all this money for the school, because let’s be honest, most of them (Newton being the rare exception) don’t add any income to the program.  You think Oklahoma football would be deep in the red without the D-back who took the cushy ‘job’ where he doesn’t ever actually show up at that car dealership?  Of course not.  But it is a victimless crime.   The rich alumni want to throw money around to feel like a part of the program, and the kid gets a car.  Win win. 

(Also, I know I am stating the obvious, but $180,000 for Cam Newton is the bargain of the fucking century.  Do you think anyone was prepared to give a shit about Auburn’s football team this year?  Of course not.  They were another 6-4 team that Alabama was going to steamroll.  Then the 280 pound Mike Vick fell from the sky- or Juco, but whatever- and all of a sudden they are 11-0?  What the fuck?)
I will even take this a step farther:  If there is a booster at any American (or Canadian, but I don’t want to go abroad) university that has any money or gifts that they want to give to a very good club, or very mediocre D3 hockey player (or very inept D1, for that matter), an aspiring sports writer, an average economics student, or a fucking fantastic frat member, I am making myself available.  I have absolutely no integrity in this matter.  ZERO VERACITY WHATSOEVER.   The NCAA can go fuck itself.  I am 100% for sale.  Repeat, 100%.

On the other hand, Auburn is in Boise State’s way, and I am more of a ‘Bama guy, so FUCK THAT!  HE IS TOTALLY GUILTY! SUSPEND NEWTON’S CHEATING ASS!

10.  Hey, we made it!  A full 10 rants! 

I had an awesome, angry, cathartic, scathing dismantling of the human condition that I wrote here, but for the purposes of good taste, it won’t run.  See the picks for more on that. 

I’ll make up for it by writing a little bit, rather than just going with a sentence for most of the picks.

Drew Magary Link of the Week

In case we forgot how much Brett Favre sucks, although that would be hard because last week he fucking sucked a lot.

(http://deadspin.com/5672552/brett-favre-is-a-bitch)

“Then they cut to Favre on the sidelines staring at game stills and waving off the trainer, and then Al threw it down to Andrea Fakelashes and she was like, "Brett wouldn't talk to the trainers! HE'S SUCH A FUCKING TURBOSTUD DURRRRRR CREAMED PANTIES!" Then Favre went right back out onto the field and threw a goddamn pick, one of three last night, with surely more to come on his Charity Dick Six Farewell Tour. Fucking COCK.”

Angry fans are the best.

(Bonus line of the week that I wish I thought of: “In case you missed it, LeGarrett Blount’s 360-aerial touchdown from last week. [video]…That’s goodness.  Makes me want to punch a mouthy white kid.”)

Bill Simmons Link of the Week

(http://cdn16.castfire.com/audio/303/2117/7141/459751/simmons_2010-11-15-160251-3953-0-3-0.32.mp3?cdn_id=33&uuid=db570fe4b61c35120048b644bc1ca82e&referer=http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/)

Gus Johnson, why not.

FUCKING GAMBLING

Bears +1.5 over Dolphins

I’m pissed that there is no money line on the game.  Fuck, it would be nice to pound a positive return for predicting that (HOLY SHIT!) Tyler Thigpen might not be able to hold off a Bears team that is actually playing fairly well.  I feel like the Dolphins have been massively overrated for about 3 years now.  Also, fuck Thursday night games.  I should be watching a shitty MAC game on these nights, at least until Thanksgiving, dammit.

Steelers (-7) over Raiders

I know that they have won three in a row, and are atop their division.  I know that Jason Campbell is beginning to look like a passable quarterback.  I even know that they are 5-4 and that McFadden leads the second best rushing attack (yardage) in the NFL.  But they are the Raiders!  It is Jason Campbell.  I just don’t believe it yet.  Anyways, even with last week’s hiccup, Pittsburgh has looked pretty solid with Rothlesberger is back, being aggressive, and pretty much refusing to take no as an answer, although he has been careless with his balls at times (let’s hear it for poor word choice!).

Packers (-3) over Vikings

Nick Collins and Charles Woodson are going to absolutely own Brett Favre.  Since I can thank ESPN for a never ending stream of Vikings talk and don’t want to perpetuate this, I will take this opportunity to mention that I am tempted by the Lions +220, you know, with John Kitna and all, but the Cowboys looked just frisky enough with Garrett that I’m staying away. 

Penn St. (-10) over Indiana

Again, I don’t have anything to say, so I’m going to take a page out of Magary’s book and talk about something that has nothing to do with football.

As a writer, there is nothing more frustrating than  making something that you know is fucking golden, and immediately realizing that there is no way that you can post it, or even show it to someone else.  I did that last night.  9 of the 10 rants for this column were in the books, I just needed to get one more.  As it happens, I had been…er, uh, out, for a while.  I was also at the tail end of a night that was not going quite how I had expected/hoped/planned.  And I was back at my computer, where this column was open.  ‘Rants, eh?’ I thought.  I had just the thing.  Through a haze, I began to type.  Here is the first thing that came out: ‘You want a rant?  Here’s a rant. Fuck that PG-13 h””””t.   Here is a genuine, pissed off at the world rant.  Brace your selves.’  You get the idea.  What followed was insanely angry, completely distasteful, clearly intoxicated, 100% candid, extremely personal and FUCKING HILARIOUS rant to end all rants.  Probably the funniest thing I have written.  Naturally, there was no way I could post it, or even send it to someone else.  I have absolutely no use for it.  It is easy to make fun of Bill Simmons or whoever for getting pissed at editors or whatever because there shit gets cut, but it genuinely sucks when you have something good, and things like ‘taste’ or ‘journalistic standards’ or in my case ‘not wanting to look like a complete lunatic’ prevent you from being able to use it.

So yeah.  Lions over Hoosiers.

 Kent (-3) over Suffield

Obviously I made that line up, but my prep school Alma matter is playing in the New England championships tomorrow.  Since a lot of the readership of this blog has Kent ties, I thought I may as well throw that in.  I also tried to actually gamble on this one, but my friend from Suffield insisted that her school spirit was lacking.  Fucking buzzkill.  Never try to talk football with girls.
(I was all ready to do the corny ass 'if you win, I'll take you out, if I win, you take me out,' bullshit too.  Because my game is FUCKING NICE like that.)

Wisconsin (-4) over Michigan

The Big-10 has been sneaky good this year.  Sure, they would probably still get annihilated by the top end SEC teams, but the great lakes boys at least have solid depth this year.  Anyways, I like Denard, but the Badgers are a tough squad.  Lay the points.

Cal (+250) over Stanford

Call it a hunch.  I’ll take those odds with a couple of good teams in a rivalry game. (I guess that would make it a reasoned bet, not a hunch, but let’s not get hung up on semantics when clichés are so much easier.)

Ravens versus Panthers over 37
Ravens (-10.5) over Panthers.

Big day for Flacco.  This one really is a hunch, but it is strong enough to double up on the black birds.  The Panthers are fucking horrible.