Nit Picks: Fighting Through

Busy this week…let’s get right after it.  I am typing this before I really get going, and I’m just going to kind of roll with it, but I don’t feel any obligation to get to 10 this week, so I probably won’t.  Shorter? Yes.  Sweeter?  You be the judge.

1. This is going to come as a surprise to regular readers of this blog, but there is something that the football media has latched on to that I think is absolutely moronic. 

Shocking.  I know. 

Anyways, this week it is the whole Derek Anderson ‘smilegate’ that is insane.  For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the ‘scandal,’ essentially, Anderson was seen by the MNF cameras, laughing at something on the sideline while the Cards were getting crushed by the Niners on Monday night.  A couple of people latched on to this, and Anderson was asked about it in the post game press conference, leading to an absolutely fantastic meltdown at the podium. 

Now, first things first:  I am absolutely in favor of anything, anything, that could lead to a potential ‘PLAYOFFS!?’, ‘THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE,’ or ‘PRACTICTE?’ moment.  These things are, as far as I am concerned, the height of comedy.  THOSE COORS LIGHT ADS AND DJ STEVE PORTER CLIPS AREN’T GOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES DAMMIT.  That aspect of the whole situation, I am in full support of.  (And for the record, I don’t think less of Anderson for it.  I would have a meltdown like that every two weeks if I was in the NFL.  Reporters, I’m sure, would openly try to bate me into it, and they would be right to.  I throw a temper tantrum and go on a 5 minute monologue when my housemates get the kitchen dirty for fuck sakes, which is ridiculous, but on the other hand THERE WAS NO NEED TO LEAVE THAT BOWL IN THE SINK, MATT.  THE FUCKING DISHWASHER IS RIGHT THERE.  AND CLEAN THE GODDAMN SKILLET.  WERE YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN?  I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.  THIS IS INSANE.  THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE EVER.  HAS TO BE.  NOT EVEN JOKING.)

The criticism, though, both from John Gruden during the telecast and from those in the press conference after the game is downright nonsensical.  It represents a lack of understanding of basic human psychology, oblivion towards the nature of competitive spirit, and a general shortage of anything to say or ask about that may have value. 

Obviously, playing college and high school hockey haven’t taught me absolutely everything that there is to know about being an NFL quarterback.  Still, I know what it is like to play competitive sports.  I also happen to be that guy, a little bit when it comes to competing.

There are plenty of things I could be accused of as an athlete (including but not limited to undersized, inconsistent, and white), but uninterested, or not competitive enough are not among them.  When things aren’t going my way, when the team is losing, it fucks up my day.  I can become a dick.  I get pissed.  I want to punish myself, if I think that I could have been better.  I don’t want to talk to people if it isn’t about how we can turn it around.  Nothing else matters, and it pisses me off when others don’t share my anger.  Sometimes, I take it too far.  I have throw things, punched things, and yelled at teammates (the team as a whole, I would never single a guy out).  I hate losing at anything, and when it is something that I care about, like hockey for me, or like football for Derek Anderson, it will absolutely destroy your mood.

Having said that, I can’t count the number of times that I have laughed during times like these even though I was pissed off.  Believe me it isn’t because you don’t care, or because you don’t take it seriously.  Losing and anger, not so much on the field, but definitely in the locker room and on the sidelines, creates tension.  Even if you have never played a sport in your life, you can relate to the fact that tension usually leads to tension being broken.  What breaks tension?  Funny shit.  What do you do when you see funny shit?  You laugh. 

It comes down to one thing.  These guys had nothing to say, so they decided to go with this.  I actually blame Gruden more than the guy who incited the press conference rant.  The issue had been raised by the post game, and the guy needed something to talk about.  The reason Gruden is in the booth, on the other hand, is because he was an NFL head coach, and presumably can think of something insightful to say about the game, and he doesn’t have to bang on about unrelated or in this case, untrue crap.  Of course, that is exactly what they do 99% of the time, but that doesn’t make it any more forgivable. 

Then again, John Gruden wouldn’t understand because he doesn’t have human emotions, and the dudes asking at the presser were probably jaded douches looking for anything to make a guy that they are jealous of look bad, so I guess it is kind of understandable.  Still, though, fucking stupid.

Random Stuff  OF THE WEEK

2. Drew Magary link of the Week- The Haters Guide to Taylor Swift

Magary is awesome; I am clearly on record about that, but COUNTERPOINT MOTHERFUCKER:

How could you, Drew?  How could you.  Attack America’s sweetheart like that?  Why Taylor?  Sure, you feel like you have had her shoved down your throat the last few months, or perhaps years, but think about it.  


It could be so much worse. 

It could be Katy Perry.  Or Lady Gaga.  Or Beyonce (it kind of is).  Or just about anyone else.  At least Tay-Swizz, as my teenage sister calls her (shit…that probably isn’t helping my point), has some level of musical virtuosity.  Her producers do, anyways. 

And frankly, I don’t care if that is the case, or if it is actually her.  I’m not trying to hire her as a fucking minstrel or anything.  I download her shit off of iTunes and it sounds sick.  That’s good enough.  I could give a fuck if it was made by the cute girl on the cover or by a 200 hour editing session in some studio.  I’m perfectly happy living with the illusion if need be. 

You also referred to it as ‘training bra music,’ to which I say…shit, you probably have a point there.  Let’s move on. 

Lyrically, you broke down the implausibility of the song You Belong With Me. You said that “This woman is a fucking ROCK STAR and a millionaire. She's, like, ninety stages above the cheer captain. Cheer captains are fucking special ed students compared to her. And she never wears fucking t-shirts. She wears $10,000 Halston gowns and all kinds of other sparkly shit.”  Hat off.  That was hilarious.  I laughed out loud, no joke.  But there are a couple of problems.  The notion that the songs might (GASP!) not be based in reality is something that I just might be able to get over.  Again, I am pretty fucking happy to live with the illusion, thanks.  And how many songs actually are true stories?  1 in 100?  1 in 1000?  Fucking none?  I’m leaning towards the third option.  You mean that Kenny Rodgers didn’t actually sit next to a gambler on a train?  What CAN I believe in?

There is another problem with that.  That song SUCKS.  It may actually be one of her worst songs.  Blame the demented masses for shoving that B-side piece of shit down our throats.  Have you ever heard Love Story?  It is AWESOME.  I’m not saying that Whit Horse changed the way I thought about love, but I wouldn’t deny it if someone else suggested it.  The Way I Loved You is 5000 times better than You Belong With Me.  The first time I heard Enchanted I fucking CRIED (not really, but still).  When my buddy said that Dear John made him angry at John Mayer I laughed and called him a pussy.  Then I listened to the song.  I wanted to go to Fairfield, CT and KICK HIS FUCKING ASS (HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HOW COULD YOU HURT HER?  SHE WAS JUST A GIRL YOU EVIL FUCK!).  Saying that Swift sucks because you don’t like You Belong With Me is like saying the SEC sucks because you saw a Vanderbilt game and were unimpressed. 

3. TEACHER QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

‘so the ghetto blaster was a very important technological innovation.’

She really said that.  I have nothing to add.

4. BILL SIMMONS LINK OF THE WEEK

The Color Purple

I have to admit, I really enjoyed this column about Bill Simmons’s 5 year old daughter and the NBA.  Shut up.

5. REASON AMERICA KICKS ASS OF THE WEEK

We hunt on full stomachs.  ‘Nuff said.

6. On Sunday, I gave what I considered to be a pretty reasoned recap of where I stood with College Football and the Boise State Broncos.  I tried to keep the anger and bitterness that could easily have found their way into the account out of it, and I think that I was largely able to do that.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

Anyways, here is all of the hate filled, angry and mean diatribe that I really wanted to post immediately, but held off on in favor of actually writing something that didn’t prominently involve the Caps Lock button.

First of all, and most importantly, I need to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me since Friday. 

(clearing throat.)  (brace yourselves)

THE KICK WAS GOOD!  IT WAS FUCKING GOOD.  I SWEAR TO GOD.  IT WENT IN.  LOOK AT THE VIDEO.  I’LL EVEN EMBED IT.  IM WAITING, JUST WATCH.

FUCKINGDAMNITI’MGOINGTOKILLEVERYONEBECUASEITWASFUCKINGINHOWCOULDYOUPOSSIBLYMISSTHATWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK! (breaks something)  There is even scientific proof!  Here! 

Sure, it actually isn’t all that scientific and relies entirely on where he decided to say it hit, knowing if that would make it good or not, BUT HE TOTALLY GOT IT RIGHT!  This isn’t play anger, like I usually spew here.  This is actual, we got screwed the fuck over, vindictive rage.  Seriously, go fuck yourself you fucking blind shit back judge who called it no good.  I have no idea what the fuck you were looking at.  Also, go fuck yourself, University of Nevada-Reno for being a cheap, second rate, Mickey Mouse BS program that can’t even afford REAL FUCKING GOALPOSTS THAT WOULD HAVE FUCKING SOLVED THIS PROBLEM (you assholes totally knew that it would come into play and seal the biggest win in your programs history).  And finally, what the fuck, college football, for not making this a reviewable play.  Even baseball can review similar plays, with home runs, and they both act like it is and would prefer that it was fucking 1884. 

That was, obviously, the most egregious mistake, but there were others.  With a couple of minutes left, I even told the room at large that I didn’t even care if we won anymore.  The game had been rendered completely meaningless, in my opinion, because the officiating had been so bad. It was, at that point, a crapshoot.  Losing was worthless.  Winning was equally meaningless.

Sure, I was just pissed off and being childish, but the refs did suck the whole game.  The most obvious example was the phantom kick catch interference call where the Nevada returner heard Doug Martin coming to LIGHT HIM THE EFF UP, realized he was an imbecile for not calling fair catch with a former linebacker turned beast running back bearing down on him, and made up for it by not catching the ball, about a half second before Martin lit him up anyways.  This was somehow ‘before or simultaneous to’ his catching of the ball, which, again, never really took place because he is a pansy. 

That changed the whole game.  It went from being Boise’s ball in Nevada territory, to being Nevada’s at midfield.  Our defense had needed the rest badly.  It was also followed by a few phantom 15 yard penalties, including two PIs, even though I’m pretty sure Nevada’s secondary actually wrestled Titus Young to the ground, duct taped his mouth and tied his hands to his feet behind his back while he tried to catch a 15 yard crossing pattern at one point with no flag.

Not that I’m bitter.

(For the record, that was me trying to control myself.  Really, I would have been happy with a long string of profanities and mean spirited jokes about how shitty Reno is and how bad a school UNRcc is.)

7. Now I’m pissed off.  This would be a good time to mention that I can’t even give a shit about the Cowboys anymore.  It was nice that they almost mounted a comeback on Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t bring myself to be mad when they fell short.  God, this has been an awesome sports year.  Sox were done by mid-July.  Cowboys were done by the start of November.  Boise State broke my GD heart.  I swear, the Sharks are probably going to miss the playoffs, and the Warriors are…just kidding I don’t give a shit about the NBA.

8.  MUSIC RANT OF THE WEEK (Now with 100% more football!)

Hey, University of Alabama,

We have a pretty good relationship.  You are fratty and preppy as hell.  I like that.  You care way too much about football.  I like that.  Nick Saban is the highest paid state employee.  I acknowledge this is kind of fucked up but HOW MANY NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS HAS GOVERNER RILEY WON?  ZERO.  THAT’S HOW MANY.  So I like that.  My sister wants to look at you.  I’m for it.  Law school in Tuscaloosa?  I could see it.

But you fucked up.  You fired the kid who played the songs taunting Cam Newton in warm-ups of the Iron Bowl.  You meant to promote him.  Promote.  Not fire.  Not sure how you crossed those two up. 

I mean come on.  It is the Iron Bowl for christsake.  It is like half a step behind full on international warfare.  I have been to Bama for Thanksgiving.  This shit divides families.  You can’t talk a little trash over the loud speakers before the game?  I, for one, think that you earned that right when you got 80,000 fucking people to come to a spring scrimmage. 

Then there are the songs themselves.  One of them was Son of a Preacher Man, by Dusty Springfield (because Newton’s father, the accused, is a minister).  That song is fucking awesome.  I’m listening to it right now.  Hear that beat?  Then he’d look into my eyes.  Lord Knows to my surprise…My head is bobbing.  Involuntarily.  Only one who could ever reach me… I am in the library.  People are staring at me.  I don’t care.  The only one, who could ever teach me… I might start singing. This is a great song.  How can you punish him for playing that? WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN!

(and no, stoners, and most people under about 40, that isn't the intro from Hits from the Bong.  Cypress Hill stole that shit.)


The other one was Take the Money and Run by Steve Miller Band (for obvious reasons).  Again, a good song.  Not as good as Preacher Man (LOVE that song), but still, pretty solid.  Besides, that is FUCKING HILARIOUS. 

So, yeah, I won’t stay mad long Alabama, but you really should have promoted that guy.

9. The Bronco Nation Loves Kyle Brotzman

The dude is the program’s leading scorer.  He won the Fiesta Bowl last year.  The team never should have been in that position. 

GAMBLING? Gambling.

I am at like 2500 words…making this short and sweet:

Philadelphia Eagles (-8) over Houston Texans

Minnesota Vikings (-5.5) over Buffalo Bills

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Indianapolis Colts (-5) over Dallas Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (+3) over Baltimore Ravens

USC (-6) over UCLA

Nevada (-8) over LA Tech

Boise State (-37.5) over Utah State

South Carolina (+5.5) over Auburn

Nit Picks: Half Speed

I'm busy this week and I spent a lot of time on the hockey column, so I only had a chance to get mad five times this week.  Actually I got mad a lot more than that but most of the time it was at my house mates or something like that, and I didn't write it down, which is fine because it wouldn't have had the same kind of mass appeal as pointing out that Wade Phillips isn't qualified to coach my 1-4 intramural flag football team.  Anyways, here are 5 rants for yah, picks at the end as always.


1.BRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVRESTREAKBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVRESTREAKSTREAKSTREAKENDMAYBEOHMYGODWHATWILLWEDOBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVRESTREAKBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETFAVREBRETTFUCKING FAVRE!

Just kill me now.

2. So the Niners and the Raiders continue to tarnish and viewing pleasure that I might be able to gain from the NFL.  I swear, if there is one more afternoon where 49ers-Panthers or Raiders-Broncos or some other gawd awful game involving those two teams is my only option, I would really appreciate it if the a-holes who vandalized my yard a few weeks ago would come back and rip the GD satellite dish down.  Anything would be better than another masochistic afternoon of watching those teams attempt to play offense.  If my TV got taken out again, I might at least try to get a bootleg broadcast of a watchable game online (Goodell and his $70 a month Sunday Ticket can suck it). 

3. Music Rant of the Week

I want to put a positive spin on the music rant this week, so I am going to do one thing that always pisses me off, and one thing that makes me happy when it happens.  Both will be completely arbitrary.

On the down side, you have songs that have badass intros, and maybe sick choruses, but with half assed shitty verses.  That sucks.  I always get pissed when I hear a song for the first time and the intro is awesome, and then the verse changes up the rhythm and kills, or at least hinders, the entire thing.  A lot of Anberlin songs are like this. 

On the up, you have the phenomenon when you are listening to iTunes or an iPod, and you accidentally skip a song that you wanted to listen to while on random, but before you go back you see that the song coming up is awesome.  This happens to me all the time at the gym.  ‘Wait, I am going to get to listen to Re-Education through Labor now, and then I get to hear Wherever I May Roam ALSO!  THIS IS LIKE FUCKING CHRISTMAS!  I am going to kill these next three sets with this music.’  It is a truly great feeling.

4.  Hey, Rick Reiley, there is no room for you and your massively inflated ego on the Boise State bandwagon.  Sorry.  You are going to have to get off so that you can go write another unfunny story that rips off something that you wrote and wasn’t that good in 2002. 

So, uh, yeah.  Fuck off.
(Also, the show homecoming is the worst thing on television that doesnt involve the letters 'V,' 'H,' or the number 1.  Watching you do the worlds worst stand up routine with that crappy Kanye song as the theme made me want to root against Josh Hamilton, the single most root forable player in baseball.  It was that bad.)

5. I have two questions regarding the Cowboys, and I am new to this sort of thing so bear with me.  One, is at what point do I openly start rooting against them for the high draft pick.  With Romo out, and the team, you know, being shit and all, I know that I will be happier if I start now, but it is only week se'ven.  That seems like it is a bit premature.  Not because they still have a chance to contend, but because they aren’t really in a number one pick race or anything.  Anyways, it is definitely coming, so much so that I was actually pissed that Romo might be able to come back this year.  So when is the best time to start.  My second question is, in the draft, can we take a coach?  We are pretty solid at the skill positions, so can we just take Nick Saban or something with the number 5 pick in June?

GAMBLING

(just 10 picks, again…time)

Cowboys (-6) over Jagaurs

Titans (+4) over Chargers

Jets (+4) over Packers

Panthers vs. Rams over 37

USC (+210) over Oregon

UNLV (+35) over TCU

Ohio State vs. Minnesota over 55

Utah (-6.5) over Air Force

Michigan (3.5) over Penn St.

Patriots (-5.5) over Vikings

Drew Magary Link of the Week

http://deadspin.com/5675651/the-killer-squirrel-epidemic-could-spell-americas-doom

“I was watching DeMarcus Ware play on Monday and I was thinking that black people have added a lot of prefixes to the name Marcus: DeMarcus, LaMarcus, JaMarcus. I feel like there's a new Marcus prefix they're waiting to roll out, and I'm hoping I can predict it correctly. I went through the whole alphabet trying to figure out which ones would sound best, and which ones would sound uncommonly silly: BaMarcus, MaMarcus, NeMarcus (short for NeimanMarcus), RaMarcusable, etc. I think it'll be Q'Marcus. It has to be. I can't imagine HaMarcus beating it out.”

Nit Picks: On time for Once

I’m actually going to get this up on Friday for once!  And at all!  Hooray me.  God, I’m mediocre.

1. I’m officially over the whole concussion thing.  Congratulations, ESPN, the NFL, and the NFLPA.  You have managed to make it so I could completely care less about the fact that these guys’ brains are being turned to ground beef on a weekly basis.  And I am an empathetic person.  It isn’t like this is the sort of thing I would usually just want to look the other way on.  The fact is, though, that I have had enough of hearing about it, and would like to announce that I officially can’t care anymore.  The worst part about the whole thing is that the solution has to be simple.  Violent, aggressive, possibly roided up 6-4 260 pound dudes are going to be, well, violent and super aggressive.  And if they weren’t I wouldn’t watch.  There is only one way to fix this.  Change the helmets.  Make them bigger.  Pad the outside (how has this not gained steam yet?).  It won’t eliminate concussions, but it is the only way to cut down on them.  So do it.  Until then, I don’t want to hear about it.

2.
 

Let’s break this down, point-counter point style. 

Point:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  BAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Counter Point:

(searching)

Point:

(out of breath) AHAHAHAHHAH (gasping) hahahah…AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA

Counter point: 

Well, he, um..they could have…uh…

Point:

Jesus t*********g Christ!  What could they possibly have been expecting?  Was a giant gust of wind going to blow the ball three yards so that they could recover it?  Would the ref decide to waive the rule where the ball had to travel 10 yards if they waited long enough?  Dear god.  Get Mike Leach back here to lock those kids in a closet.  That is why you didn’t get in to UT. 

Also,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,BAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Counter Point:

It was a pretty heads up and ballsy play by the dude who ran it back.  I mean they probably didn’t expect that.

Point:

Except for the little detail that IT WAS A LIVE BALL!  THE PLAY COULD NOT POSSIBLY END UNTIL HE PICKED IT UP!  IT WAS STOPPED AND GOING BACKWARDS!

Counter-Point:

Could you please stop yelling?

Point:

I mean he is just a college kid, and we shouldn’t even really point out his name, because it wouldn’t be fair to humiliate him, but CORNELIUS DOUGLAS.  #2, the MORON in that video is named Cornelius Douglas.  He is a wide receiver from Oklahoma.  He is also the dumbest football player in division one.  He started to pick it up, then STOPPED!  HE FREAKING STOPPED!  WHY THE HELL WOULD HE DO THAT?  And he looked foolish getting stiff armed as the dude scored.  Wow. Just wow.

Counter Point:

Yeah, you’re probably right.  He sucks.                                                                                            

3.  Great Moments in American Badassary (also known as ‘Reason America Kicks Ass of the Week)

I’m in a Political Science class (for reasons that I myself don’t fully understand), where we are reading Utopia, by Thomas Moore.  For those of you that don’t know, Thomas Moore is a giant pansy (note- not the word that I used when thinking about this).  He thought that we could all just live in a world free from excess and frivolity.  But that makes him an idiot.  And that is why America is badass.  Excess and frivolity. 

Here in America, we don’t need most of the stuff that we have.  But we want it.  And we like it.  We create incentives to create stuff that we don’t need, and then let people cash in those incentives for more stuff that they don’t need.  That’s why we’re badass, and for wanting to get rid of that, you, Thomas Moore, suck.

4. My Top-25

We are now about 7 weeks into the college football season.  That means that it is no longer ridiculous to rank the top 25 division one college football teams.  Any time earlier than now, it is ridiculous to put out rankings.  Don’t tell the AP, USA Today, Coaches, Harris or whatever else, because then we couldn’t get rankings that are based upon changes in initial rankings that are semi-arbitrary and based off of stuff that happened in different seasons, with teams that had approximately 25% turnover in their rosters.  That would suck.

1. Boise State Broncos

2. Oregon Ducks

3. Oklahoma Sooners

4. Texas Christian University Horned Frogs

5. Auburn Tigers

6. Missouri Tigers

7. Oklahoma State Cowboys

8. Alabama Crimson Tide

9. Michigan State Spartans

10. Louisiana State Tigers

11. Utah Utes

12. Florida State Seminoles

13. Wisconsin Badgers

14. Stanford Cardinal

15. West Virginia Mountaineers

16. Ohio State Buckeyes

17. Iowa Hawkeyes

18. Arizona Wildcats

19. Nebraska Cornhuskers

20. Nevada Wolf Pack

21. Arkansas Razorbacks

22. Northwestern Wildcats

23. Miami (FL) Hurricanes

24. Baylor Bears

25. Virginia Tech Hokies

5. A few words in defense of the above 25:

Virginia Tech looks high (no, not like Tim Lincecum looks high), but there is almost no way, as far as I can see, that they don’t run the tables and win the ACC.  They are the best team in that conference.  That conference sucks, but that still has to be worth something. 

Boise State is the best team in the nation without a loss.  That isn’t a homer pick.  It is a fact.

Ohio State and Nebraska dropped a lot based on one loss, but I just don’t think that they are two of the best 3 or 4 one loss teams in the nation.  They don’t need to be around the top 10 just because they were before they went down.

I use the standings more than the AP, BCS, or any of the other polls.  Why?  Because that is literally the only accurate rating of how good teams are.  Sure, you can look at quality wins, who they lost to etcetera, and that is all well and good.  As I said above, though, the point where the other polls get arbitrary is when they base themselves off of the polls from the weeks before.  These rankings were based upon, essentially, guesswork, and should be ignored as much as possible now that we are actually learning about these teams. 

6. Can we just make a nationwide announcement that Brett Favre sent pictures of his uh…genitals, let’s say, to that chick that used to wear the cowboy hat at Florida State games?  I know this, and most of my friends know this, but it seems like there is still a significant portion of society that doesn’t realize this, and it is making my life awkward.  You see, I, like anyone who knows the story, thinks that it a, makes Favre a douche, and b, is freaking high-larious.  Unfortunately, there are some people who still seem to be unaware that Favre is a giant prick, which is annoying.  More importantly, I need people to understand the references I make to the story.  Firstly, because they are hilarious, like I said, and the story is hilarious, but there are plenty of references that I make that people don’t get, but that aren’t nearly as large as a problem.  The problem here is the nature of the jokes.  If I make a Slapshot reference in front of a bunch of sorority girls (note- this happens a lot, actually), they have no idea what the hell I am talking about and get a little bit confused, I briefly hate the female gender for not appreciating hockey related humor, and it might even be awkward for a second, but the whole thing is forgotten within a couple of minutes.  It is more of a problem for me, though, when a reference is missed, if my buddy says that we should talk trash to our mutual friend who is a Vikings fan before the Cowboys-Vikings game, and I respond by yelling across our house that we should just text him pictures of our dicks.  Out of proper context, that one needs some explaining.  So please, let’s all just get on board with this situation.

7. God the SEC is effing sweet.  I mean they BRING IT.  Constantly.  Every single week, it seems like there are at least one, usually 2 or 3 games that should only be missed if you actually have something to take care of, and something that can’t wait.  Two weeks ago, it was LSU-Florida and South Carolina-Alabama.  Last week they threw down with Auburn and Arkansas.  Next week?  LSU-Auburn.  Two undefeateds.  God, we should all just pack up and move to the deep south.  Except that it is like 94 with 96% humidity every day, and it rains all winter.  And there is little to no hockey.  But the SEC is awesome.

8. (Wrote this last week, didn’t post in time):

It is hardly a rare occurrence for columns that I promise not to appear, and usually this isn’t cause for concern, since when it comes to putting aside hours to write stuff that I get zero money and very little recognition for, I am extraordinarily flakey and inconsistent.  This week, though, if you don’t see anything here, call 9-1-1.  Immediately.  That is because I am going to the Boise State-San Jose State game at Spartan Stadium on Saturday evening.  I will be wearing my Jared Zabransky (actually, now my Jason Robinson) jersey, and I will be acting as if I am in Bronco Stadium in Boise, which is to say cheering for Boise State.  This would be all well and good, except that San Jose State may well be the worst accredited four year university in the United States (or anywhere else, for that matter).  This creates two problems.  First of all, this is a school that will let more or less anyone in, something that makes itself abundantly clear at Santa Clara University on a week to week basis, when police are looking for ‘San Jose State kids’ that may be causing trouble, or when they are responsible for break ins, fights and thefts.  This actually happens, and I am going to them.  The second problem is that at some point, I will almost inevitably feel compelled to point this out.  The combination of this revelation and the fact that I will be celebrating their team getting their ass kicked is sure to incite the rage of these thugs.  So please, do me a favor, and be very concerned if the activity on this blog ceases in the coming days.  (Note- I would be concerned that someone at San Jose State would read this and be offended, but most San Jose State kids can’t read.  /Crap, it’s already starting..I’m screwed.)

Update:

That was last week.  The good news? I’m still here.  Other good news?  Boise took care of their business.  And by took care of their business, I mean that they scored touchdowns on 6 of their 7 first half possessions (that is including a pick 6 as a possession, but whatever). 

Unfortunately, it turns out that San Jose State really doesn’t give a crap about football, and the stadium was at least 60% orange and blue.  It was general admission and we sat near a bunch of the players families, and with other Boise State fans, which was easy, since the entire stadium was Boise State fans save the season tickets (not general admission) and the student section.  Anyways, so much for my dreams of getting in a fight and getting shanked by a dude who had taken his 1.9 high school GPA to San Jose State because I got a little too excited about a Doug Martin run or something.  Oh well. Anyways, I have two quick thoughts/comments about the game on Saturday.

1- San Jose State was..surprise…completely incompetent when It comes to everything, although in this case it was basic foodservice.  My brother, who bought the tickets, paid $5 extra to have a hot dog, popcorn and a drink included in the ticket.  Great,  Good deal.  The problem, though was that when we went to the one place where this could be redeemed, which was the one place in the stadium that was selling food at halftime, there was a huge line.  Fine.  That’s to be expected.  What wasn’t to be expected, though, was that when half time was over, we were in pretty much the same place.  We ended up missing pretty much the entire third quarter, waiting in line for crappy stadium popcorn and a crappy hot dog.  It wasn’t even like there were thousands of people waiting, either.  There might have been 30 people, at the most, that were in front of us in line.  Big surprise, that SJ State managed to screw something up, but I’m still bitter I missed almost a quarter of the game.

2- The best part of the game, and probably the most telling moment, actually happened before the opening kickoff.  At Spartan Stadium, both teams come out of a ramp at the northeast corner of the field.  As most teams do, San Jose State had lined up their band and cheerleaders for the team to take the field through, in a line across the field from the tunnel, to their sideline, which was on the west side.  They had left an opening for Boise, coming down the same ramp first, to go to their sideline on the east side, and so when the Broncos came down to the end of the ramp, they were walking as if they were going to head to their own sideline.  All of a sudden, though, as they were about to go through the opening, the player leading them onto the field (unfortunately, I didn’t catch the number), veered to the right, raised the hammer that leads the Broncos out every week, and led the blue (well, the white, I guess) sprinting through the surprised looking San Jose State pep squad (I’m told they also took out a cheerleader, although I missed it if that is true). 

The message was clear: we are here right now, therefore this is our field.  Unfortunately, this inspired San Jose State, and made them pissed off, having been disrespected on their own field.  They came out with a fire after that, although it turned out that Boise State was much better at football, rendering that fire useless, and the Broncos were up 7 just two and a half minutes in, despite having kicked off to start the game.

9. This is the map for the broadcast of the Cowboys and Vikings game, and it makes me want to commit a homicide.  As it pertains to football, I hate the bay area.  ALEX SMITH! BRUCE GRADKOWSKI!  KILL ME NOW!

That game was absolutely unwatchable.  Granted, it may not have been all that much more enjoyable to watch the Cowboys piss away their season to Cocky McPicturepants, but at least that would have had the basic qualities that you have come to expect from a football game.  I’m pretty sure that there was a 10 year old calling plays for the 49ers on an Xbox.  And the 10 year old was a soccer player.  If I wasn’t so busy throwing up at the fact that I see as many Giants hats every day this month as I did in the first two plus years that I lived in California (from the d-bags who called me a bandwagon jumper, along with every other Red Sox fan, when I went to a game-NOT SOLD OUT AND HALF SOX FANS BY THE WAY, in June...while we're here, this makes me hates humanity), I would feel sorry for the people who have to watch this every weekend.  I think if I were a 49er fan, I would have to watch a movie or a hockey game or something every weekend and check the games on Yahoo or ESPN.com or NFL.com or something.  That shit was putrid. 

10. I would like the following people to do me a favor, and die slow painful deaths, please:  Brad Edwards, the Oregon State football team, the entirety of the Harris poll voting demographic, Brad Edwards, James Madison University, the people at Intel, Apple, or whatever company built the BCS computers, Brad Edwards, the editor and chief of USA Today (even though he has little to nothing to do with their rankings…his name is on them), the ESPN news wire, Brad Edwards and Brad Edwards. 

The reason, in case you haven’t figured it out, is that the BCS rankings came out this week, and a promise that was made to me personally (that’s how I took this anyways), was broken.  Obviously, the worst think that happened was that Boise fell behind Oklahoma and Oregon in the BCS rankings so why, you may ask yourself, does Brad Edwards take most of the hate in the above paragraph.  The fact is, I have no problem with Brad Edwards.  I like his work.  I appreciate what he does.  But last week, he told me Boise was going to be number 1 when the BCS came out.  I, in turn, told anyone that would listen that Boise was going to be number 1 when the rankings came out.  Then Oregon State lost. And Texas beat Nebraska.  And the Harris poll continued to suck.  And Boise was number three.  You made a liar out of me, Edwards.  Damn you.

GAMBLING!

It is getting a bit harder by this point in the season.  It is easier to be ahead of the game earlier in the year, when Vegas and alike are still trying to figure out the league, but these guys are professionals, and by this point in the season, they have started to figure their stuff out, and lines are starting to get tougher.  Still, here are 10 which I think the better of which can be had.

1. Steelers (-3) over Dolphins

Assuming James Harrison doesn’t quit because he can’t hurt people anymore.  (Actually, even if he does.  Are the Dolphins even good?  Aren’t the Steelers pretty much looking like a juggernaut?)

2.  Baltimore + Buffalo Under 40

I wanted to make this pick Eagles over Titans, on basic ‘holy crap, I get +140 against Kerry Collins’ instinct, but that was overridden on, ‘wait, I’m picking Kevin Kolb to win strait up on the road’ instinct.  Instead, I will take the Ravens not to put up more than 30 against Buffalo, because there is no way that Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing up more than 10 in Maryland.

3. New England (+125) over San Diego

Here is the Chargers dirty little secret: They just aren’t that good.  That, a positive money line, and the fact that Norv Turner appears to be actively trying to lose his job, make me want to absolutely crush the Pats on the money line.

4. Packers (-2.5) over Vikings

The Packers desperately need a bounce back after a couple of flat showings lately.  2.5 is essentially a pick em, and I think that Green Bay comes out strong.  If I were betting this game (you know, theoretically), I would even try to get that spread up to 5 or 6 and try to get a +125/+130 out of it.  I that the Packers roll here.

5. Panthers (+125) over 49ers

Dear lord I’m picking the Panthers to win…oh well.  The niners are a mess.

6. Penn St. (-9.5) over Minn.

Bad team + new coach = blowout

7. Wisconsin (+190) over Iowa

Almost 2/1 for Wisconsin?  Is this a joke?  Yes and please.  Am I supposed to be impressed by the win over Penn State (now unranked), or the one over Michigan without Denard Robinson.

8. Air Force (+18) over TCU

Air Force is the best rushing team in the nation, statistically.  TCU has put up some numbers a couple of times (although against Baylor was the only really impressive one), but their strength is still their defense.  It is a little bit scary, since the Horned Frogs are 5-2 minus 18 points, but the ground game for Air Force should be good enough to control the clock enough to keep this one close and to slow the game down, making 18 feel like 35.

9. LSU (+5.5) over Auburn

Time to pick the big boy games.  Auburn is undefeated, but they have had their hands full with the likes of unranked Clemson, Mississippi State and Kentucky.  All of those games were decided by a field goal.  This seems like a 3-4 point game, and I think LSU pulls out the cover and the game, before getting wiped out by Alabama in their next game.

10. Missouri (+125) over Oklahoma

You want a stat of the week?  Here is your stat of the week.  207-65. That is the points for to points against for the Missouri Tigers, who might just be the most dominant team in football so far this year, something that is obscured by the fact that you can’t name one player on their team.  The one smudge on that is a 3 point win, squeaked out against San Diego State, which pales in comparison to Oklahoma’s handling of Florida State, and Texas, both solid teams.  Still, I’m not overly impressed with the Horns, so in what is essentially a tossup, I’ll take the odds, and go out on a limb with the Tigers.

Class/work isn’t over yet, so screw it, let’s keep going.

Drew Magary Link of The Week

The original.  Sexy Rexy.

  

I read this junior year of high school.  It changed my life.  Four years later, I realized that the man who had written it, Mr. Magary, was now my favorite writer, who I had only began to read religiously this summer.  Life is funny sometimes (I will now kill myself for saying that, but I cant think of a better way…).  Now, an excerpt:

(please skip if you have..uh, delicate sensibilities)

“(as Rex Grossman) What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That’s gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can’t just expect wins to come to you. You can’t massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You’re a pussy. This ain’t John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.”

Nice.

Bill Simmons Link/Tweet/Podcast of the Week

It’s today’s mailbag!  Creative!  Let’s give the man credit for not writing a freaking NBA column to go along with his NFL picks, though.  What the hell was that? 

Half Assed Professor Quote of the Week

I go to a college that is, frankly, seems at times to be more concerned with its gardening than its professors (disclaimer- our gardening if unfreakingmatched).  It is a good school, because it is able to attract smart people, and I have had some professors that are as good as I can imagine that I would find at any school on the east coast, but I have also had some that are…less than impressive.  I can’t complain, since it is like 83 degrees every day and the average girl is like an 8, but it gets annoying.  The best way to deal with it: make fun of it.

“The great depression was tough, and it took its toll on all aspects of society, but especially the musicians.”

That’s right, professor who shall remain nameless because I actually think you are generally pretty good.  Especially the musicians.  Sure, people lost millions of dollars.  Their homes were taken away.  The banking system was blown up overnight and public finance was forever changed, but GOD DAMMIT RAGTIME WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!  Forget the bankers who are ruined, or the portfolios that were blown up, think of the string bass players!  Homeless failed musicians are going to be even more homelessier!