Thursday, December 2, 2010

Nit Picks: Fighting Through

Busy this week…let’s get right after it.  I am typing this before I really get going, and I’m just going to kind of roll with it, but I don’t feel any obligation to get to 10 this week, so I probably won’t.  Shorter? Yes.  Sweeter?  You be the judge.

1. This is going to come as a surprise to regular readers of this blog, but there is something that the football media has latched on to that I think is absolutely moronic. 

Shocking.  I know. 

Anyways, this week it is the whole Derek Anderson ‘smilegate’ that is insane.  For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the ‘scandal,’ essentially, Anderson was seen by the MNF cameras, laughing at something on the sideline while the Cards were getting crushed by the Niners on Monday night.  A couple of people latched on to this, and Anderson was asked about it in the post game press conference, leading to an absolutely fantastic meltdown at the podium. 

Now, first things first:  I am absolutely in favor of anything, anything, that could lead to a potential ‘PLAYOFFS!?’, ‘THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE,’ or ‘PRACTICTE?’ moment.  These things are, as far as I am concerned, the height of comedy.  THOSE COORS LIGHT ADS AND DJ STEVE PORTER CLIPS AREN’T GOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES DAMMIT.  That aspect of the whole situation, I am in full support of.  (And for the record, I don’t think less of Anderson for it.  I would have a meltdown like that every two weeks if I was in the NFL.  Reporters, I’m sure, would openly try to bate me into it, and they would be right to.  I throw a temper tantrum and go on a 5 minute monologue when my housemates get the kitchen dirty for fuck sakes, which is ridiculous, but on the other hand THERE WAS NO NEED TO LEAVE THAT BOWL IN THE SINK, MATT.  THE FUCKING DISHWASHER IS RIGHT THERE.  AND CLEAN THE GODDAMN SKILLET.  WERE YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN?  I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.  THIS IS INSANE.  THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE EVER.  HAS TO BE.  NOT EVEN JOKING.)

The criticism, though, both from John Gruden during the telecast and from those in the press conference after the game is downright nonsensical.  It represents a lack of understanding of basic human psychology, oblivion towards the nature of competitive spirit, and a general shortage of anything to say or ask about that may have value. 

Obviously, playing college and high school hockey haven’t taught me absolutely everything that there is to know about being an NFL quarterback.  Still, I know what it is like to play competitive sports.  I also happen to be that guy, a little bit when it comes to competing.

There are plenty of things I could be accused of as an athlete (including but not limited to undersized, inconsistent, and white), but uninterested, or not competitive enough are not among them.  When things aren’t going my way, when the team is losing, it fucks up my day.  I can become a dick.  I get pissed.  I want to punish myself, if I think that I could have been better.  I don’t want to talk to people if it isn’t about how we can turn it around.  Nothing else matters, and it pisses me off when others don’t share my anger.  Sometimes, I take it too far.  I have throw things, punched things, and yelled at teammates (the team as a whole, I would never single a guy out).  I hate losing at anything, and when it is something that I care about, like hockey for me, or like football for Derek Anderson, it will absolutely destroy your mood.

Having said that, I can’t count the number of times that I have laughed during times like these even though I was pissed off.  Believe me it isn’t because you don’t care, or because you don’t take it seriously.  Losing and anger, not so much on the field, but definitely in the locker room and on the sidelines, creates tension.  Even if you have never played a sport in your life, you can relate to the fact that tension usually leads to tension being broken.  What breaks tension?  Funny shit.  What do you do when you see funny shit?  You laugh. 

It comes down to one thing.  These guys had nothing to say, so they decided to go with this.  I actually blame Gruden more than the guy who incited the press conference rant.  The issue had been raised by the post game, and the guy needed something to talk about.  The reason Gruden is in the booth, on the other hand, is because he was an NFL head coach, and presumably can think of something insightful to say about the game, and he doesn’t have to bang on about unrelated or in this case, untrue crap.  Of course, that is exactly what they do 99% of the time, but that doesn’t make it any more forgivable. 

Then again, John Gruden wouldn’t understand because he doesn’t have human emotions, and the dudes asking at the presser were probably jaded douches looking for anything to make a guy that they are jealous of look bad, so I guess it is kind of understandable.  Still, though, fucking stupid.

Random Stuff  OF THE WEEK

2. Drew Magary link of the Week- The Haters Guide to Taylor Swift

Magary is awesome; I am clearly on record about that, but COUNTERPOINT MOTHERFUCKER:

How could you, Drew?  How could you.  Attack America’s sweetheart like that?  Why Taylor?  Sure, you feel like you have had her shoved down your throat the last few months, or perhaps years, but think about it.  

It could be so much worse. 

It could be Katy Perry.  Or Lady Gaga.  Or Beyonce (it kind of is).  Or just about anyone else.  At least Tay-Swizz, as my teenage sister calls her (shit…that probably isn’t helping my point), has some level of musical virtuosity.  Her producers do, anyways. 

And frankly, I don’t care if that is the case, or if it is actually her.  I’m not trying to hire her as a fucking minstrel or anything.  I download her shit off of iTunes and it sounds sick.  That’s good enough.  I could give a fuck if it was made by the cute girl on the cover or by a 200 hour editing session in some studio.  I’m perfectly happy living with the illusion if need be. 

You also referred to it as ‘training bra music,’ to which I say…shit, you probably have a point there.  Let’s move on. 

Lyrically, you broke down the implausibility of the song You Belong With Me. You said that “This woman is a fucking ROCK STAR and a millionaire. She's, like, ninety stages above the cheer captain. Cheer captains are fucking special ed students compared to her. And she never wears fucking t-shirts. She wears $10,000 Halston gowns and all kinds of other sparkly shit.”  Hat off.  That was hilarious.  I laughed out loud, no joke.  But there are a couple of problems.  The notion that the songs might (GASP!) not be based in reality is something that I just might be able to get over.  Again, I am pretty fucking happy to live with the illusion, thanks.  And how many songs actually are true stories?  1 in 100?  1 in 1000?  Fucking none?  I’m leaning towards the third option.  You mean that Kenny Rodgers didn’t actually sit next to a gambler on a train?  What CAN I believe in?

There is another problem with that.  That song SUCKS.  It may actually be one of her worst songs.  Blame the demented masses for shoving that B-side piece of shit down our throats.  Have you ever heard Love Story?  It is AWESOME.  I’m not saying that Whit Horse changed the way I thought about love, but I wouldn’t deny it if someone else suggested it.  The Way I Loved You is 5000 times better than You Belong With Me.  The first time I heard Enchanted I fucking CRIED (not really, but still).  When my buddy said that Dear John made him angry at John Mayer I laughed and called him a pussy.  Then I listened to the song.  I wanted to go to Fairfield, CT and KICK HIS FUCKING ASS (HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HOW COULD YOU HURT HER?  SHE WAS JUST A GIRL YOU EVIL FUCK!).  Saying that Swift sucks because you don’t like You Belong With Me is like saying the SEC sucks because you saw a Vanderbilt game and were unimpressed. 


‘so the ghetto blaster was a very important technological innovation.’

She really said that.  I have nothing to add.


The Color Purple

I have to admit, I really enjoyed this column about Bill Simmons’s 5 year old daughter and the NBA.  Shut up.


We hunt on full stomachs.  ‘Nuff said.

6. On Sunday, I gave what I considered to be a pretty reasoned recap of where I stood with College Football and the Boise State Broncos.  I tried to keep the anger and bitterness that could easily have found their way into the account out of it, and I think that I was largely able to do that.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

Anyways, here is all of the hate filled, angry and mean diatribe that I really wanted to post immediately, but held off on in favor of actually writing something that didn’t prominently involve the Caps Lock button.
First of all, and most importantly, I need to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me since Friday. 

(clearing throat.)  (brace yourselves)



Sure, it actually isn’t all that scientific and relies entirely on where he decided to say it hit, knowing if that would make it good or not, BUT HE TOTALLY GOT IT RIGHT!  This isn’t play anger, like I usually spew here.  This is actual, we got screwed the fuck over, vindictive rage.  Seriously, go fuck yourself you fucking blind shit back judge who called it no good.  I have no idea what the fuck you were looking at.  Also, go fuck yourself, University of Nevada-Reno for being a cheap, second rate, Mickey Mouse BS program that can’t even afford REAL FUCKING GOALPOSTS THAT WOULD HAVE FUCKING SOLVED THIS PROBLEM (you assholes totally knew that it would come into play and seal the biggest win in your programs history).  And finally, what the fuck, college football, for not making this a reviewable play.  Even baseball can review similar plays, with home runs, and they both act like it is and would prefer that it was fucking 1884. 

That was, obviously, the most egregious mistake, but there were others.  With a couple of minutes left, I even told the room at large that I didn’t even care if we won anymore.  The game had been rendered completely meaningless, in my opinion, because the officiating had been so bad. It was, at that point, a crapshoot.  Losing was worthless.  Winning was equally meaningless.

Sure, I was just pissed off and being childish, but the refs did suck the whole game.  The most obvious example was the phantom kick catch interference call where the Nevada returner heard Doug Martin coming to LIGHT HIM THE EFF UP, realized he was an imbecile for not calling fair catch with a former linebacker turned beast running back bearing down on him, and made up for it by not catching the ball, about a half second before Martin lit him up anyways.  This was somehow ‘before or simultaneous to’ his catching of the ball, which, again, never really took place because he is a pansy. 

That changed the whole game.  It went from being Boise’s ball in Nevada territory, to being Nevada’s at midfield.  Our defense had needed the rest badly.  It was also followed by a few phantom 15 yard penalties, including two PIs, even though I’m pretty sure Nevada’s secondary actually wrestled Titus Young to the ground, duct taped his mouth and tied his hands to his feet behind his back while he tried to catch a 15 yard crossing pattern at one point with no flag.

Not that I’m bitter.

(For the record, that was me trying to control myself.  Really, I would have been happy with a long string of profanities and mean spirited jokes about how shitty Reno is and how bad a school UNRcc is.)

7. Now I’m pissed off.  This would be a good time to mention that I can’t even give a shit about the Cowboys anymore.  It was nice that they almost mounted a comeback on Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t bring myself to be mad when they fell short.  God, this has been an awesome sports year.  Sox were done by mid-July.  Cowboys were done by the start of November.  Boise State broke my GD heart.  I swear, the Sharks are probably going to miss the playoffs, and the Warriors are…just kidding I don’t give a shit about the NBA.

8.  MUSIC RANT OF THE WEEK (Now with 100% more football!)

Hey, University of Alabama,

We have a pretty good relationship.  You are fratty and preppy as hell.  I like that.  You care way too much about football.  I like that.  Nick Saban is the highest paid state employee.  I acknowledge this is kind of fucked up but HOW MANY NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS HAS GOVERNER RILEY WON?  ZERO.  THAT’S HOW MANY.  So I like that.  My sister wants to look at you.  I’m for it.  Law school in Tuscaloosa?  I could see it.

But you fucked up.  You fired the kid who played the songs taunting Cam Newton in warm-ups of the Iron Bowl.  You meant to promote him.  Promote.  Not fire.  Not sure how you crossed those two up. 

I mean come on.  It is the Iron Bowl for christsake.  It is like half a step behind full on international warfare.  I have been to Bama for Thanksgiving.  This shit divides families.  You can’t talk a little trash over the loud speakers before the game?  I, for one, think that you earned that right when you got 80,000 fucking people to come to a spring scrimmage. 

Then there are the songs themselves.  One of them was Son of a Preacher Man, by Dusty Springfield (because Newton’s father, the accused, is a minister).  That song is fucking awesome.  I’m listening to it right now.  Hear that beat?  Then he’d look into my eyes.  Lord Knows to my surprise…My head is bobbing.  Involuntarily.  Only one who could ever reach me… I am in the library.  People are staring at me.  I don’t care.  The only one, who could ever teach me… I might start singing. This is a great song.  How can you punish him for playing that? WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN!

(and no, stoners, and most people under about 40, that isn't the intro from Hits from the Bong.  Cypress Hill stole that shit.)

The other one was Take the Money and Run by Steve Miller Band (for obvious reasons)Again, a good song.  Not as good as Preacher Man (LOVE that song), but still, pretty solid.  Besides, that is FUCKING HILARIOUS. 

So, yeah, I won’t stay mad long Alabama, but you really should have promoted that guy.

The dude is the program’s leading scorer.  He won the Fiesta Bowl last year.  The team never should have been in that position. 

GAMBLING? Gambling.

I am at like 2500 words…making this short and sweet:

Philadelphia Eagles (-8) over Houston Texans
Minnesota Vikings (-5.5) over Buffalo Bills
New Orleans Saints (-6.5) over Cincinnati Bengals
Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Indianapolis Colts (-5) over Dallas Cowboys
Pittsburgh Steelers (+3) over Baltimore Ravens
USC (-6) over UCLA
Nevada (-8) over LA Tech
Boise State (-37.5) over Utah State
South Carolina (+5.5) over Auburn


Marly said...

2 shout-outs. I like it.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha nonstop laughter