Tuesday, December 7, 2010

No One Worthy

So, Oregon and Auburn took care of business.  Actually, let’s be fair.  What they did was more like take care of BUSINESS.  The italics and caps are more than warranted, after both of the nation’s active undefeated teams beat down on their opponents.  So now, we have chaos.  As usual.  The BCS is charged with choosing which teams are somehow ‘more worthy’ than others to play in the big payout bowls.  There is a problem, though.  Not just that there are three teams who are undefeated, and to somehow squeeze in a playoff or even a plus one between now and the January 6th National Championship would be impossible.  Sure, it is a nice idea, but the logistics of playing two games in just 34 days would be a nightmare.  The main problem isn’t that there are too many teams that are qualified for the championship game.  It’s that there are in fact no teams that are worthy, either for the championship, or for the BCS at all.  Allow me to explain.

Of course, any team with 3 or more losses can be counted out.  That is obvious.  But it turns out none of the two, one are zero loss teams are up to the haughty standards of the BCS.  It’’s too bad, but it looks like they are just going to have to cancel them this year.  Here’s why:

Two Loss Teams:


Virginia Tech Hokies

They lost to a 1-AA team, for crying out loud.  They also lost to a WAC team, which, in terms of BCS implications, is actually worse.

(Big 12)

Missouri Tigers (9-2)

Be honest, for a second.  If you had to guess Missouri’s record, you would have gone in the 7-5 to 8-4 range.  Of course you would have been wrong.  Missouri, somehow, managed to pull out 9 Ws this year in the Big 12, despite the fact that you have no idea who is on their team unless you are Mel Kiper or Todd McShay, and maybe not even then.  I don't want to watch a bunch of nobodies in the BCS.  That would suck.

Oklahoma Sooners (9-2)

Sure, they just won the Big 12 title game, which sounds impressive and all, until you consider that the Big 12 North is the NCAA big conference equivalent of the UFL.  An SEC team would go like 16-0 in the Big-12 North (they would be so dominant, wins would start counting for 2).  Besides, Oklahoma lost to Missouri, and we just proved that they don’t deserve to make it, so how could we take Oklahoma?

Oklahoma State Cowboys (9-2)

Same logic applies, with the Cowboys having fallen to the Sooners.  More importantly, though it would make T. Boone Pickens really, really happy if the program he spent approximately $4.5 Trillion on at least parlayed that into a BCS team.  For comedy sake, though, it is way funnier if the team with the most modern stadium in the nation plays in the Alamo bowl every year.  Also, Mike Gundy is 42.  He forgot to update us this year.

(The Big East doesn’t have any teams with less than three losses.  No joke is needed here.)

(Mountain West)

Utah Utes (10-2)

The Utes are from a non-BCS conference, which should automatically disqualify them.  Since it doesn’t (YET!) an ass-kicking at the hands of Notre Dame (Notre freaking Dame) got the job done. 


LSU Tigers (10-2)

Everyone seems to agree that Les Miles is the worst football coach in the world, this despite the fact that he has won a national championship, and LSU is a contender almost every year.  Still, who wants to see shitty coaching in the BCS?  That would be ugly.  As for the team itself, they couldn’t crack the top 100 in passing yardage.  Running football?  BOORING.

Arkansas Razorbacks (9-2)

The Razorbacks, as it happens, are actually going to the Sugar Bowl to play Ohio State.  This is, of course a travesty.  Arkansas was beaten by Alabama, who is not good enough to be in a BCS bowl, and in college football every game has to matter, otherwise the INTEGRITY OF THE BESTEST REGULAR SEASON IN THE UNIVERSE gets totally bunged up.


(Big 10)

Wisconsin Badgers (11-1)

The Badgers beat an AQ conference team with a record around .500 by 63 points, despite giving up 20.  Now, that sounds impressive, but please remember: margin of victory DOES NOT MATTER.  That just wouldn’t make sense.  So that win counts exactly the same as Michigan’s beating Indiana by 7 does for the BCS, which it should.  Also, hanging 83 on  team is totally running up the score.  You know who runs up the score?  Assholes.  That’s who. (editors note:  a better answer would be ‘teams that  can run up the score')  Do we want to reward assholes?  I don’t.

Ohio State Buckeyes(11-1)

LeBron James is totally boys with Terell Pryor, at least according to James’s tweets.  Everyone in Ohio seems to think that James is an asshole, and if Pryor likes him, that probably makes Pryor a douche too (guilt by association is like the 50021st lowest item on the BCS’s veracity scale).  Speaking of douches, Gordon Gee. ‘Nuff Said. 

Michigan State Spartans(11-1)

Michigan State lost to Iowa, who lost to Minnesota, who lost to South Dakota State.  A 1-AA TEAM!  Therefore, by the standards of the BCS, as I understand them, Michigan State lost to a 1-AA team.  There is no way you could let a team that lost to a 1-AA team in the BCS. 


Stanford Cardinal (11-1)


(The BCS is a party.  Stanford is the nerds.  Anyone who has seen a college movie- and it is college football no less- knows that nerds don’t get invited to parties.  That’s just good science.  So Andrew Luck has to play beer pong in his dorm room with water because they don’t want to drink the dirt that gets on the ball and it is way easier to hide if the RA comes by when you just have side beers- I think this is what nerds do anyways, but I wouldn’t know since I am totally in a fraternity and go to parties and am awesome like that, just like everyone with a blog-, by which I mean go to the Emerald Nuts Why the Fuck are we Playing Football in AT&T Park Bowl)


Nevada Wolfpack(12-1)

I essentially said as much in the Utah blurb, but it is fucking ridiculous that I have to even acknowledge these Mickey Mouse conferences.  Mark May totally sees the light.  There is no way these second rate hacks could play with the likes of the big conferences.  Anyways, Nevada lost to Hawai’i , and they aren’t even a part of the contingent 48 United States.  Some of you may not think that is a legitimate reason to knock them as a football team, but to you I say this:  TOTALLY FUCKIN IS.

Boise State Broncos (12-1)

Boise State had their chance, but they blew it.  All they had to do was make a lousy field goal, and they didn’t do it.  Clearly they don’t want to be there very badly.  There are only 10 BCS spots.  May as well at least give them to someone who wants them.  It is just the system that Coach Pete won’t STOP SAYING HE HAS FAITH IN, somehow, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.


TCU Horned Frogs (12-0)

For a third time, I will remind you that the people who play football in small conferences should be considered sub-human.  Apart from that, TCU wears purple, and their quarterback is a ginger, or a ‘daywalker’ if you want to use the scientific term (I get most of my scientific terms from South Park). 

On the field, TCU’s resume appears strong, but the fact is they only played one big boy school, and that was Oregon State.  They always lose to those shitty small schools, and therefore don’t count.  That makes TCU’s best win, if I am not mistaken, an overtime decision over a Plano East High School team with 3 kids who have made D-1 (real D-1, not pussy Mountain West shit) commitments.

Auburn Tigers (13-0)

Why shouldn’t Auburn get to play in a BCS Bowl?  You mean other than the fact that their quarterback may or may not make NFL league minimum?  I mean that seems like a pretty good reason, but okay, we can do one more.
Auburn squeaked by pretty much every team that they played.  The ‘Bama game should have been a loss.  Clemson should have been a loss.  Kentucky should have been a loss.  Mississippi State should have been a loss.  South Carolina should have been a loss.  So that makes them, what, like 8-5?  You are really going to put a 9-5 team in the BCS?  That would be ridiculous.

Oregon Ducks (12-0)

This one is the hardest to disprove, but dig this:  Phil Knight, of Nike wealth, gave the Oregon program millions of dollars this year, and each of the last few years.  Most of it, presumably, went towards facilities, but what if it didn’t?  What if they used it to pay LaMarcus James a lucrative salary?  What then?  THAT WOULD TOTALLY MAKE THEM INELIGABLE!  Just sayin’.  No smoke without fire.

As for this Oregon team, they played New Mexico, a weak Tennessee team, and Portland State out of conference.  On top of that, the Pac-10 was pretty weak this year.  So Oregon’s schedule clearly didn’t have the integrity needed to go to a BCS bowl. 

So there you go.  No one deserves the honor of playing in the extremely lucrative, but ultimately meaningless BCS bowls.  I don’t like it any more than you do, but that is just the way it is.  Cancelling the bowls entirely is the only fair thing to do.  You need to be deserving to play in a BCS bowl, and this year, no one is. 

Except for UConn.  They totally earned it.

No comments: