Sunday, December 12, 2010

Nit Picks: Way Late

The Above Image is WAY better than actually caring about real life.

1. Usually, I try to get this up by Thursday night.  That is because both the college and NFL weekend schedules, for TV reasons, will start on Thursday night, and I want to have the opportunity to include those games in the picks, and in the preview stud, just so the whole week kind of gets grouped together.  This week, though, there is no college football game and I WILL BE GODDAMED IF I AM GOING TO BE BEHOLDEN TO NFL NETWORK.  They don’t run my life.  Really, I just didn’t have time to get it up in time, but still, it sounds way better to say that it is because I run my business and NO ONE ELSE.

2. I’m mixing in a baseball note here, because I don’t feel like churning out an entire baseball column in mid-December, and IT IS MY BLOG SO I WILL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE (sorry).  You may be wondering what I am, as a Red Sox fan, thinking about the trade-and-sign of Adrian Gonzalez for a reported (although unannounced) 7 years and $ 154 million, and then the signing Carl Crawford for 7 years and $ 142 million.  I am against it.  Sure, they are good players, but to throw around that much money was irresponsible.  How are we going to re-sign guys like Josh Bard, John Lester and Clay Buchholz when the times come now?  Those contracts will completely mess up our salary cap situation.

Wait, what’s that?  There is no salary cap in baseball?  That’s right!  THERE IS NO CAP IN BASEBALL!

Allow me, then, to revise my thoughts on these signings, now that I have this bit of information:  

WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! NOT MY FUCKING MONEY!  FUCK IT, GIVE ‘EM $200 MILLION!  And to the rest of baseball, I say this: don’t hate the player, hate the game.  No cap means that if the Red Sox want to throw the GDP of a small African nation at a first baseman, they can do that, and I’ll be damned if I am going to have misgivings about it.  Enjoy you’re revenue sharing checks, Kansas City, Pittsburgh and Oakland that will go directly into your owners' pockets (and by pockets I mean offshore bank accounts).  That should be a huge comfort while you’re watching bad baseball all summer.

God, the Red Sox are good now.  We have middle of the order quality guys at what, 7 positions?  Ortiz can take his typical 4 month spring training and it won’t even matter this year, since he should be hitting in like the 8 hole anyways.  Unbelievable.

And to those of you saying that the Red Sox are what we have always hated, I say this.  No we aren't.  We hated losing to that.  Now we are winning 125 games with it, which I, for one, am completely okay with.

3. Like videos that confirm every single stereotype that you have ever heard about a place?  Me too.  his one does just that for Alabama. 

(Deadspin dug this gem up on Saturday, and as a dude with a functioning account, it is my solemn obligation to pass it along)

(Our friend here lets you know in the beginning, but if you’nt lak cussin an vulgarity, click a HELL UP OFF THIS CHANNEL, BOYS.  Just so you know.)

YEW MUFUCKERS AIN’T SUPERIOR T’US YEW FUCKIN LOWER’DN US!  I’m just sayin sumin hap’nd whin yew fuckin Tigers come up inerr.  Iunow if one a yew bastards dunin gawt swane flew, wunna you fucknuts dun brawt wunnayur damn cra—Iunow what the FUCK happin.

Iunnow what the fuck happin, indeed.

And yes, this makes me like Alabama less by exactly ZERO.  In fact, that video makes me want to transfer RIGHT FUCKING NOW. 

Also, if you don’t want to watch that video, you may as well stop reading this now.  Mainly because if you don’t find that funny, than I will never seen eye to eye with you on anything, but also because you can expect a non-stop cavalcade of me throwing in random YEW MUFUCKERS KAYUN KISS A ROWL TAD FUCKIN ASS, and alike for the next few weeks.  It probably won’t help with my upcoming exams.  Oh well.

4. Do we really need a Heisman trophy, a Maxwell Award and a Walter Camp award?  I say no.  In fact, I say ‘of course not, and if you think differently, you are dead wrong because all three awards are the exact same thing.’  At least in Hockey, where there are two MVPs, at least one is voted on by the players.  All these are voted on by writers.  Is college football trying to solve debates about the English language (the difference between ‘most outstanding’-the Heisman, ‘player of the year’- WC, and ‘best’-Maxwell)?  I’m confused.  This is fucking stupid.

5.  This is the one week of the year that I would like to invite ESPN to talk about Brett Favre as much as they want.  Is the story any less abrasive and repetitive?  Of course not.  Did anything new happen?  Not as far as I know.  Am I finally warming up to Favre?  Fuck and no.  But like I said, they can talk about him as much as they want this week.  Why is that, you may ask?

Because I FUCKING LOVE watching him get lit up.  Hold on, I’m going to watch it right now.  BAM.  Blind side…didn’t see it coming.  You thought you stepped out of the rush, didn’t you, then POP.  Decleated.  That is beautiful. 
Sure, it probably makes me a bad person that I get so much pleasure out of his pain.  Sure, pretty much all of America probably felt pretty much the same way when Tony Romo was lying on the ground, looking like one of those silhouettes that gets outlined at a murder scene, but that was totally different, because (lip quivering, tears forming) that’s my fraternity brother.  That’s my quarterback.  Like I said, this was totally different.  I love it.  One more time.

(Steps back...CRACK.  He is off his feet.  God I am enjoying this.  Way too much.  One more time.  52 just SLAMs him to the ground.  And it was a pick.  Best.  Play.  Ever.)

6. The SEC Championship game, which was last Saturday, should bring me great joy.  After all it is a one game playoff to determine the winner of the best conference in college football.  But all it did was make me sad. 

Sure, the Auburn-South Carolina matchup was well below the level of excitement brought by the back to back Alabama-Florida ‘TimTebowMightCryIfWe’reLucky-athons.’  Yeah, it sucked that the game was pretty much over after USC couldn’t JUST KNOCK THE GD BALL DOWN on the hail mary before half, and yeah, it was a bummer that Drew Magary summed it up perfectly tweeting that “Watching Auburn win that game was like watching a kickoff return TD with a FLAG graphic up for the last 80 yards.”  But none of that was what made me sad.

The thing that made me sad was that now the SEC is gone.  CBS is going to show basketball games and crap like that on Saturday Afternoons, but WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!  Watch a movie?  Study?  Actually pay attention to real life?  That sounds FUCKING TERRIBLE.  The SEC is so much better than real life.  And now it is gone.  What the fuck, it feels like it just got here.

7. Since I didn’t get this up in time for the Thursday night game, I figured that I may as well talk about the action from Thursday night.  The problem is, the game was pretty boring.  The Titans came back and made it a game, sure, but really, I was just disappointed that Manning was able to avoid continuing his people-pleasing streak of being terrible at football.  Damn him.  Also, ‘Cop Speed’ is the second best nickname in sports, just behind ‘Shatty Ice’ for Kevin Shattenkirk, which I made up.

8. Same idea as the SEC Championship game bit, but FUCK SATURDAYS WITH NO MAJOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL.  THIS IS HORSE SHIT.  I DEMAND A REFUND.  The Army-Navy game is fine, but it is mostly about the pageantry of the midshipmen and cadets in their coats and all of that stuff, with the snow and all.  Great theater, but let’s be honest, the football sucks.  And don’t try to tell me anything along the lines of ‘at least we have the Heisman presentation.’  The Heisman presentation is the tony awards with football players.  Gay.  The only thing worth watching for is when the kid (Newton this year) makes his speech, and all of the middle-aged-to-old black dudes like Earl Campbell and Marcus Allan and shit are standing behind him going ‘it’s okay.  Take your time baby.  Take your time.’  High comedy.  That’s totally what she said.

And it is a sign of the time of year.  This isn’t a one week hiatus.  It is really gone.  God, it is like a void has been opened.  Bowl week is fine, but I am actually having a personal crisis right now.  I can’t just waste time with shit like ‘friends,’ ‘family,’ ‘work,’ or ‘school,’ on Saturday.  And don’t even try to step in, NFL.  It’s just not the same.  I NEED MY COLLEGE FOOTBALL!  Now I am going to wake up every Saturday, and have nothing to do.  I mean that is the case anyways, but at least now I can not get anything done while I watch Troy play Southern Miss on Thursday night, or be worthless while I hang on every play of Rutgers and UVA on Saturdays.  That’s WAY better.

9. One more from the ‘Yeah I probably should have posted this before it even came up but I may as well talk about it since I didn’t file:

If you haven’t, you need to see the video of the Metrodome collapsing.  Holy dayaftertomorrow.  That looked like a bad special effect.  God that is going to be a nightmare to clean up.  And the logistics of moving home games are a nightmare.  Refunds, redoing seating charts…that takes months.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 University of Minnesota Vikings.  Enjoy playing games outside in a Minnesota January, Brett.  Serves you right, prick. 

(For what it’s worth, they are moving today’s game to Detroit and they say that they can have it fixed for the Vikings next home game.  The problem is, their next home game is next Monday night, not oh, say, four months from now, so yeah…I’m not buying it.)

10.  At the gym yesterday, I walked up to the bike that I usually ride to warm up, and saw that the TV in front of it was on TNT.  Usually, this would have meant that we were watching an NBA game that I wasn’t interested in, or some crappy Law and Order rerun (or whatever it is that TNT shows.  Suffice to say I wouldn’t be interested.  Then it came back from commercials, and I saw what was on.


Fuck.  And.  Yes.

Dude I am so down to watch some Spartans FUCK SHIT UP right now.  This is totally conducive to the attitude that I want this workout to take on.  I am going to bench press 350 pounds.  Fuck that.  350 pound dumbbells.  I love that movie.  Gets me totally amped.  When we played San Jose State, they played the dude yelling THIS IS SPAAAAARRRRTTTAAAAAA, right before the game.  It was badass.  First and only time I have ever been jealous of anything related to San Jose State.  Watch a trailer, and then try not to be overcome with adrenaline.  I don’t think you can do it. 

Tell me you don't want to go find some Persians and fuck shit up right now. 

Anyways, I was there for like 30 seconds before some ass comes over and changes it to a college basketball game that I could not possibly give a shit about, and that was on the other TV, maybe 20 feet away.  I wanted to lunge 30 feet through the air and drive a spear through his skull, and I’m pretty sure that it would have been considered ‘justifiable homicide.’

Anyways, 300 is badass.


Since I’m there are no more college games to pick, I’m not going to bother trying to get 10 anymore.  To make up for it, I’ll throw in some links at the end (in addition to the Drew Magary, Bill Simmons and whatever else that I have been doing.).

Real Quick, Gambling:
Cowboys (+3) over Eagles
Pats (-3) over Bears
Giants (-3) over Vikings
Ravens (-3) over Texans
Chargers (-7) over Cheifs

(UPDATE:  Adding the 'angry white guys' label.  How could I not give our friend megaskeet420 up there the Angry White Guys tag.  That one's on me.)

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