Saturday, September 25, 2010

Nit Picks

Everyone seems to have their little football preview pointless pot-pouris that runs before each week, and since I have a blogger account and a job where I have to sit at a desk and do next to nothing, I figured I would get in on the action.  For no reason whatsoever, here are 10 mini-rants about football, followed by 10 bets for the upcoming weekend.  I will offer little or no evidence, do my best not to look anything up, and definitely won’t respond if you attempt to refute anything I say.   Because my word is gospel.  And I’m a busy guy.  Wait, no, I work less than 20 hours a week, and don’t even have class 4 days a week.  I’m not busy.  What is that other thing…the one that I am…lazy.  That’s it.  I’m lazy.  Deal with it. 
(As for the bets, if you haven’t heard, and don’t like it, gambling is legal now.  It can be done, in a way that isn’t punishable, criminally or otherwise, through sites that are registered with the national govenrmnent.  Sure, it is the national government of Costa Rica, but let’s not get hung up on semantics.  Because gambling is awesome.  I’m watching a football game.  I shouldn’t care.  But I have money on it.  Now I care.  Gambling is like a ‘make-me-give-a-s*** pill.  Which is awesome.  Unless I lose, then gambling sucks.)
1. Mike Singletary sucks.  He has a losing record.  Every damn year all we here about is how the Niners are the breakout team in the NFL, and usually, it seems to make sense.  I have to live out here with all these 49er fans (technically, I’m split between 49er and Raider territory, but I’m at a private school, and every rich kid from the East Bay likes to think that they are from San Francisco, so as a result I know like 2 Raiders fans), and as much as I like some of them, I have this message:  you people are morons.  OOOOHHH he won’t accept excuses!  What a revolutionary!  He dropped his pants in the locker room!  He cares so much!  You know who else cares, and won’t accept excuses?  Bill Belicheck.  Or Sean Payton.  Or every other coach in the league.  Except they don’t have 13-14 career records with talented rosters, so we have other stuff to talk about.  Why does everyone make excuses for this guy?  Is it because he was in the Super Bowl Shuffle?  It must be because he was in the Super Bowl Shuffle.  This is what happens when you never have to deal with snow.  You make excuses for bad football coaches (that’s just good science).
2. So Mike Vick has won the quarterback struggle in Philly.  It was a tough one though.  A real scrappy battle.  If only there was a term to describe something that was drawn out, scrappy, and a tough, even battle where it just came down to who kept fighting harder.  Maybe something that made it seem like a battle between a bunch of fighter jets.  If only such a term existed.  I would use that one.   And by the way, shouldn’t Andy Reid just have been fired for the way he handled this whole thing?  I know that he is like the third longest tenured coach in the league, that he ultimately got the decision right, and that this sounds like ‘The 10 Coaches I want Fired’ so far (and it is going to continue to sound that way, for the record, because most football coaches suck), but would anyone have not understood if they had fired him and put out a statement saying ‘the wives of every member of the front office knew that Vick should be starting immediately after the Detroit game, if not before.  It took Andy Reid like 4 days to figure it out.  Clearly, he has lost it.’  All I really know is that there was no way I was watching the Eagles this weekend with Kevin Kolb, but I will be watching them with Mike Vick.
3. Continuing wit the theme of ‘Jackson rails against people keeping harder jobs than he will likely ever have,’ Wade Phillips has to go.  All I can think about when I watch the Cowboys is how poorly run their offense is.  The play calling is uncreative, they never adjust to what the defense is doing, and thy thoroughly waste the most offensive talent in football.  This team looks like it is coaching itself, and with a three page playbook.  AND DON’T YOU TRY TO WALK AWAY JASON GARRETT.  COME BACK HERE.  This is your fault too.  I blame Wade for the team looking like they had been listening to Ryan Adams CDs and lighting scented candles for three hours leading up to game time, but the play calling is on you, ‘wunderkind.’
4. You should only be allowed to have dreads like that if you are a defensive back, Denard Robinson.  Sorry.  It looks badass if you are lighting up receivers or returning punts, but I can’t take a quarterback seriously if he looks like Lil’ Wayne.  I feel the same way about long hair on white dudes, too, although Tom Brady sort of gets a pass because of, you know, the rings.  So, uh, get a haircut, I guess.
5. Yeah, right, Oregon State.  Signed, the state of Idaho. 
You look foolish.
6. Why can’t Hard Knocks just be extended through the entire season?  Who wouldn’t enjoy this (other than maybe the subject of the show)?  I am having Rex Ryan  withdrawals.  I need to see someone running up and down a sideline screaming ‘what a f***ing hit’ while technically at work.  I need to know how they are reacting to Revis being hurt.  And the Braylon Edwards DUI.  For those six weeks, the Jets were family.  And now they are just gone?  I can’t take the loss. 
7.  Dear ESPN,
Regarding your halftime montage of Oregon State upsets throughout the years, used to promote the game that they are sending Corso and Co to on Saturday:  Go Eff Yourself.  I really don’t have much to add here, but seriously, I really don’t want to even start thinking about that.  Anyways, those were all in Corvalis.  We don’t lose on THE BLUE, expensive, attention grabbing practice gimmicks aside. 
8. Bama should be the clear cut favorite in college football this year.  Their team returns most of the core of a National Champion, and ohbytheway there quarterback has never lost a start (literally.  Not one.  It is ridiculous.  Look it up, I’ll wait….it’s spelled M-C-E-L-R-O-Y…(checking watch)…back?  How is that even possible).  On the other hand, their D looks a little bit shaky.  I have watched more or less every game that they have played the past couple of years, and this unit doesn’t look like the one that shut down Tebow in the SEC championship game.  Ryan Mallet, on the other hand, hahs both lost a start in his career, and looks better than last year.  I don’t think that Alabama is going down to Arkansas, but it is going to be a hell of a game.
9.  I’m over the Wildcat.  As I said, I don’t have any stats to back this up, but it seems to me that the upside to this situation, now that teams have started game planning for it, is a 5-6 yard run off tackle.  More often than not, it seems like it doesn’t go anywhere.  The advantage is that you have one more blocker (you aren’t wasting the QB position, like on traditional runs), but a dual threat QB is much more effective.  More importantly, though (actually less importantly but bear with me), if I hear wild- put in front of a team’s nickname one more time, I will projectile vomit all over the television I am watching.  I’m not even kidding (well I mean I am, but again, bear with me).  When I heard the words ‘Wild-Bronco’ last weekend, I actually felt sick to my stomach.  Talk about sounding foolish.
10. So let me get this straight, Chik-Fil-a.  I am supposed to believe that Cows have mastered the ability to communicate, create signs that are intelligible to English speakers, and understand the concept that eating more chicken will lead to less cows being slaughtered.  Fine, it is a stretch, but no more so than plenty of other commercials.  At the same time, though, I am supposed to believe that they stopped short of learning to spell words like ‘is’ (‘iz’), ‘more’ (‘mor’) and most importantly, ‘chicken’ which is the focul point of their assult like campaign on the eating habits of America.  Screw you, Chik-Fil-A, for trying to make me dumber.
(And if you’re wondering what this has to do with football, they run those asinine adds 529 times durnign the typical SEC game)
Boise State -18.5 over Oregon State
18.5 is a lot of points, especially against a Pac-10 team, but I have faith in the Broncos to blow this out.  The Bronco defense has been strong, and there is no way that Kellen Moore and company put up less than 5 touchdowns.  The Broncos have shut down Evans already this year, in DC, and should be able to keep Jaquizz and the Beavers under the 20 or so that would be necessary for a cover.  Take the Broncos on the Blue, give the points.
(That is a homer pick, for sure, I should admit.  Honestly, my reaction to that line, and particularly the -1000 money line is that it is freaking huge.  That isn’t to say that they won’t both come through, just that I am surprised that, again, a top 25 team is giving up that much.  Boise bandwagon effect, maybe?)

UCLA +16 over Texas
So we are saying Garrett Gilbert is good?  Because I’m not sure he is good.  I’m not saying he is bad, only that I have no reason to think he is good.  Shouldn’t he have to have one good game before we give him 16 points in a system that relies on stud quarterbacks?  The Horns probably win this game, but 16 is too much for a team that hasn’t shown much.

Auburn -3 over South Carolina
Auburn played badly last week, SC played well (enough, I guess).  It seems like this line throws out pretty much everything that we thought we knew about these teams.

Western Kentucky +27 over South Florida
Remember that time that the USF quarterback got all pissed because he didn’t get royalties with jerseys that had his number on them?  You don’t?  Oh, well, anyways, there isn’t a team in the country (or Canada) that should be giving 27 points to USfreakingF.  Free money.

Georgia -1 over Missisippi State
I know Georgia looks like crap so far, but this team has some talent.  This one looks like another overreaction line in the SEC. 

BYU +160 over Nevada
I would like to see Nevada pull this one out because of the infinitesimally small amount that it would help Boise for the WAC to look that much stronger, and they well could, but +160 is a great bet for teams that, to me, seem to be pretty even on paper.  Take the money line rather than the spread, since so few games finish within the 4 you would get, and going from -110 to +160 is a huge upgrade.

Bengals -3 over Panthers
The Bengals are obviously a team that shouldn’t be huge favorites over anyone, but they definitely have talent.  Carolina, on the other hand, appears to be in complete disarray.  Questions about Carson Palmer are swirling, but they beat the questions about whatever the hell the Panthers are going to do at the QB position.  This is at least a 7 point game.

Cowboys +115 over Texans
The Boys are in disarray, but they are still talented, and now they are desperate.  They should be anyways.  I will take +115 odds that they know what this game means for them.  (And for what it’s worth, it has been the offense that has been the problem.  If you knew that the Dallas D would hold, you would take them to go at least 11-5, no?  I think they bounce back).

Jets-Dolphins Under 35 ½
Where exactly are points coming from here?  Mark Sanchise?  Chad Henne?  Come on.  For what it’s worth, I like the Jets under pretty much every week.

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